This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.

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More weight

I feel like a little kid again: Small, scared, helpless, and alone. Maybe that's not how you're supposed to feel when you're a kid, but that's how I remember it.

The confidence I've worked so hard to gain has been steadily waning throughout the last couple of months. It's weird, because to those who don't know me well, I've made huge strides toward becoming more confident. I got "promoted" (read: given a new title with increased responsibility and clout, but no pay raise) and my coworkers all came out of the woodwork to tell me congratulations, and to say that they couldn't believe it took my manager so long to promote me. Before they moved me to a different desk, I didn't talk to anyone. I kept my headphones on all day and glared at anyone who made enough noise to distract me from my work. Now, at my new desk, I talk to everyone who sits around me. With my new title, I'm seen as an expert, and people trust me to answer their questions about processing. I smile and say hi and bye to people. I joke around all the time. People who knew me before the move say, "You used to be so quiet!" People who didn't know me before tell me that they can't believe I was ever quiet in the first place.

I really am enjoying my job as much as I possibly can, which is not to say that I actually enjoy it, I am just making the best of the situation. I like talking to the people who sit near me, and most of the time I don't spend too much time worrying that they're only putting up with me to be polite, like I used to think. I walk with my head up and my shoulders relaxed, but not slumped, when I used to walk with my head down and eyes glued to the floor. For the most part, I really have been feeling more confident.

It's just that it's so easy to derail me lately. I'll be in the break room, on my way to refill my water cup, when suddenly I cross paths with someone and we do the "get out of my way/which way are you going" dance. No big deal, it happens to everyone, especially in such a crowded office. But something as small as that will completely throw me off track, and suddenly I sink into my protective posture. I draw my shoulders up tight, tuck my head down, and my entire body stiffens. My upper arms cling to my sides, and sometimes my hand reaches over to grip my elbow. I look like a gawky, shy middle schooler instead of a confident, grown woman.

Tonight my neighbor came by to ask if BK was home. She had locked her keys in her car and was wondering if he'd have any ideas for getting into the car. I told her he wouldn't be home until late, and she pretty much said thanks anyway and left. She didn't seem to want my help, only BK's. Even worse, I didn't offer to help. I said I was sorry that I couldn't think of any ideas, and wished her good luck. What the hell kind of neighbor am I?

It's not that I'm just too lazy to help, or that I don't want to help. I felt terrible for not having anything to offer. Basically, I froze. I wasn't expecting her to show up, especially in need of help, and it caught me off guard. The thing that really gets me though, is why did she only seem to want BK's help? How is he more capable of breaking into her car than I am? I suspect that she's uncomfortable around me. I don't blame her, because I'm pretty uncomfortable around her. She's probably just picked up on it. I guess it just reminded me of being back in school, when people would pick up on my social anxiety and just leave me to it instead of reaching out to me. I know it's just as much my responsibility as theirs to reach out... But it still doesn't hurt any less.

So upon closing the door, I kind of collapsed into that protective posture. I felt nervous in my stomach. I couldn't figure out what to do. I was going to just go to bed, but then I decided that a hot shower might bring me up out of my funk. I went into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in that posture, and god, I looked like a child. I looked so much smaller than usual. And I guess it's because I felt smaller, I felt like a child.

Fuck, do I ever need to get back into therapy. I'm sick of feeling like this. Luckily, I think I finally have enough money saved up to fix my car. Then I can stop saving and go back to spending it on therapy, and get back to taking my dietary supplements. It's been months since I've seen JuD (my therapist) and not having anyone to talk to is taking its toll on me.

I don't know, lately I pretty much feel paralyzed. I have this image in my mind, of a tree with weights chained to its limbs. It can't grow upward because of the weight. That's how I feel lately. I hope I can snap out of it eventually, but I know it'll take years. I suppose if "hope" is even still a part of my vocabulary, that's a good sign, right?

8:56 p.m. - 2011-01-18

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How to trick hot women into having sex with you

I am astounded by the amount of websites that exist solely for the purpose of teaching sad, backwards men how to use psychology to manipulate women into worshiping and/or having sex with them. AskMen.com is one of the worst. For one, all of their articles are about how to win the affection and adoration of hot young women. Not just any women, no, Ask Men readers deserve no less than the finest pieces of ass on Earth, clearly. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that the kind of men who are asking uncertified advice columnists how to convince a woman to sleep with them are not exactly prize-winning body-builders themselves. I'm guessing that these men are mostly unattractive or socially inept, or both. And they still think that they deserve this woman who has been put up on a pedestal for being the "best" woman, the most attractive, as if there was such a thing.

So these men write in to ask shit like, "I'm already dating three hot women and have four more that won't stop calling me! I am such a stud because I follow all of your advice and trick shallow, vacant-eyed fashion whores into following me around like lovesick puppies and in NO WAY am I insecure about my penis size. But see... There is this one woman who won't answer my calls! Clearly she is not interested, so how do I trick her into being interested? Because come on, we all know that I am entitled to the adoration of any woman that I choose." And the advice columnist comes back with answers like, "Pretend you don't like her! Tell her that you can't believe her boyfriend puts up with her. She will get SO WET for you, I promise."

What the hell kind of women does this columnist talk to?! Victims of childhood sexual abuse? Women whose dads called them ugly, perhaps? What kind of confident, independent woman would actually be turned on by that kind of behavior from a potential mate? These websites are telling insecure, ego-driven men to take advantage of an equally insecure, obviously psychologically unstable woman's trust.

It disgusts me, but I can't stop reading it. I feel like I have to keep track of it, to know how the people behind these media outlets are trying to change the way ordinary, average schmucks think and behave. Most disgusting though, is not that there are assholes who actually peddle this shit to the public and call it helpful advice. It's that there are people out there who are not only stupid enough to think it's a good idea, but shallow and cruel enough to put it into practice and further destroy some poor unsuspecting woman's psyche. They are telling these men to lie, feign competence, and outright emotionally abuse and manipulate women. And the worst part is that both men and women readily eat that shit up.

2:31 p.m. - 2011-01-09

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I am getting pretty sick of this.

For the past year or so, BK and I have faced one unexpected financial setback after another. When tax season came around, I ended up owing hundreds of dollars. Then BK got fired last November and remained unemployed for ten months.. After we moved, the electric company changed my automatic bill-pay date, causing the bill to post before I got paid without my knowledge. Which in turn racked up a bunch of overdraft fees and "negative account balance" fees. They canceled my automatic bill payments altogether without telling me, so then two months later I had to pay the current bill and previous month's bill all at once. Then BK got his current job so he drove my car out of town every day to get to work, and it broke down. I spent way too much money trying to get it towed to the dealership and fixed only to find out that they want $5,000.00 for a new engine! So I had to spend more money to tow it back, and it's sitting in my driveway waiting until I have at least $1,000.00 saved up for a used engine. Meanwhile, BK has bought a used car for $1,000.00 and hasn't been able to help me with rent since he had to pay off the car. He spends all the rest of his money on gas to get to work, cigarettes, and of course, weed.

And now he is stuck in the next town over after playing a show, because his car battery died. Sounds simple enough, all he needs to do is find someone who has jumper cables and he's back on the road, right? No. Fucking no. It is never that simple. Call me a pessimist all you want, but I smell yet another financial crisis trying to fuck up our lives even further.

I'm sick of being broke! I can't afford craft supplies. I'm behind on all of my utility bills! I have no idea when I will be able to get my car fixed, and I've been driving my parents' extra car for so long that now I'm even dumping money into that for oil changes! I'm sick of eating crappy food made out of fake ingredients. I haven't been to therapy in over a month, and I can't remember the last time I was able to afford my dietary supplements. It's affecting the way I feel, physically and mentally. I feel weak and constantly tired, and I'm in a mental fog more often than not.

I'm glad that I'm able to at least keep a roof over our heads, keep the heat turned on and keep us fed, but this is now how life is supposed to be lived. I can go without new DVDs and CDs, I don't need to go out to eat at restaurants, and I can suck it up and spend the day doing laundry at my parents' house for free instead of paying at the laundromat. But fuck, I just want to pay my bills on time for once. I want to buy food with nutritional value instead of Kroger 99 cent spaghetti sauce with high fructose corn syrup. I want to be able to afford fresh fruit again. I want to have guests over for dinner, especially my sisters, but instead I have to save all of our food for BK and me because we can't afford to feed extra mouths. I need a new pair of glasses, I need cavities filled before my teeth rot and fall out, I need to get that lump in my right breast checked out. I'm fucking sick of being poor.

1:08 a.m. - 2010-12-12

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PMDD

For those of you just now tuning in (because I am apparently a narcissist and assume that strangers on the internet actually want to read about my sorry little life), I have PMDD. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder. I'm not sure when it first started happening, probably in high school. I do know that I was about nineteen when I realized that every month, one week before my period starts, I experience severe depression, irritability, moodswings, and heightened emotional reactivity. I didn't know there was a name for it that separated it from normal PMS at the time, I just knew that it sucked. A couple of years later, they started airing commercials for birth control pills that would supposedly help the condition, and I felt relieved to know that I wasn't some kind of crazy, irrational woman (like in the sitcoms), and that I wasn't just imagining it or exaggerating it. It still sucks, though.

Nowadays, I am able to deal with it a little better. I have learned not to start fights or make important decisions until after the PMDD goes away, and I am thinking clearer. It gets confusing, though. I never know if I can trust my emotions during this time. Was what BK said really so hurtful, or am I just in a more emotionally reactive state right now? And try as I might, I still end up getting upset much more easily. I've learned not to resist it or deny my emotions, but also not to get completely swept away with them. So I might cry at the drop of the hat, but it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. I just have to keep telling myself that it'll pass.

I'm on my weeklong vacation from work right now, and the symptoms are in full swing. I'm apathetic and very irritable, and painful memories from over a decade ago have the ability to send me into a downward spiral of depression. I have this overall feeling of futility. I had planned to get a lot of things done this week, craft projects, cleaning, re-organizing. I managed to crochet half a hat and make my very first soy candle, and I got the craft closet organized and finally had my car towed back home, but that's about it. I spent Saturday through Tuesday stoned all day, in a complete haze and feeling very apathetic. Yesterday was spent fighting the urge to pick a fight with BK because he kept procrastinating on doing the dishes. I waited all day for him to start on it so that we could cook something, and then he only did half of them. This morning, I woke up and started crying when BK and I were talking about my family.

My point is, this sucks. I'm sick of dealing with this every month. I feel like all the work I've done for the previous three weeks to hold it together and keep moving forward, is undone when the PMDD week rolls in. All of the work that I put into a positive self identity is undone. After the week is over, I feel like I've taken three steps forward, and one back.

11:37 a.m. - 2010-12-09

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