This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In over my head again and again Things have been interesting lately. TC's definitely official with her girlfriend, and it sounds like things are getting serious fast. For a while I was behaving inappropriately, flirting with her and hinting and giving her looks. I've backed way off. It's kind of sad, because it means that I talk to her less. Though, I think just accepting that she's unavailable has made me less into her. I still get caught up in her eyes and her smile sometimes, but I don't pine for her quite as much as I was for a couple of weeks. She seems to have backed off, too. I hope she hasn't taken it personally. I'd have really liked to see what happened with her, if I'd been given the chance. But we can't always get what we want, I suppose. Meanwhile, AD's acting like he's head over heels for me. We exchanged numbers a while back at a party after bonding over a mutual love of doom metal. He invited me to a beer/wine/liquor tasting last week. A few days prior, he started texting me nonstop. I went to the booze tasting, which was awkward, then back to his place to watch Twin Peaks on Netflix, which was also awkward but fun. His current neighbors are my old neighbors CS and B. Kind of weird. He dropped me off and we sat in the car talking for a while. He talked a lot about relationships, exes... I almost invited him in, but stopped myself. I was dismayed to start my period the next day, because it meant that if I wanted to sleep with him, I'd have to wait a week. At that point, I was mostly considering him as a fuckbuddy. I didn't see him as dating material. Since then, we've hung out two more times. Once, we walked downtown and back to my place, and then we went to his place to watch more Netflix. I stayed until 5:00 in the morning even though he had to work at 8:00. By the end of Highlander, we were close enough on the couch that our arms were touching. Neither of us made any further moves, and I went home soaking wet from how much of a tease it all was. Last night, he invited me out to dinner, and then we went back to my place to look at my embarrassing goth pictures from high school. Then we went to his place and watched Attack on Titan (LOVE IT) and again ended up sitting close on the couch, arms and legs touching. I asked, "Are you uncomfortable with how close I'm sitting?" He said no, so I stayed where I was. He went out for a cigarette, and I decided I was going to try to make a move. I went to the bathroom to change my tampon, make sure everything was clean. I curled up on the couch so he'd see my cleavage when he came back through the front door, and my ass when he sat down next to me. He was outside for a long time. When he came back in, he sat down and said, "So I'm not very good with words, so I'll just say that I like you a lot." He said that if I was interested too, he wanted to take things slow because he wanted it to work out. I told him that I was attracted to him, that I wanted to go slow too, that even though I wanted to have sex (I even showed him the lace trim on my underwear as proof that I'd intended to make a move), I agreed that it was best that we didn't. And then, as if we hadn't just said any of that shit about taking it slow, I took his hand in my, stroked his wrist and forearm with my fingers, asked if he'd put his arm around me. I cuddled with him, laid my head on his chest, put my legs up on his. I asked if I could kiss him, and he said yes. It was WEIRD. He is not a good kisser at all. I tried to go in for a few long, sweet kisses, maybe a tiny bit of tongue. He gave me a rapid succession of quick, short pecks, barely parting his lips to lock with mine. He never accepted my tongue. I was so put off, I didn't know what else to do but pull away and rest my head on his chest. When I sat back up after a while, he kissed me again, the same short pecks. He grinned suddenly, pushed me down gently onto my back, and in spite of being totally weirded out by his kissing style, I moaned from the excitement of the push. But he just kept on with those pecks. I asked, "Will you go slower?" He misunderstood, sat up, said we probably should take it slower. I said breathily, "No, no, I meant kiss me slower." He came back in to peck at me slower. I was utterly dismayed at how bad a kisser he was, bit did catch myself moaning in response to his weight on top of me, his obvious excitement. I thought for a second that he might kiss my neck, and I moaned at that thought, too. But I turned away, said "I'm feeling a little overwhelmed." He agreed we'd probably gone too far, and we stopped. I sat there dazed for a minute, stunned both by his awful kissing and the flushed, out of breath feeling of finally making out (sort of???) for the first time in six months. I was soaking wet, even more aroused knowing that he was sitting there watching me breathe heavily. After that, we talked and cuddled, I played with his hair (it's SO SOFT!) and his beard, stroked his arms and chest. We talked mostly of relationships, failed past ones, reservations about a new one. We talked about how to handle our group of friends, how to handle BK. I didn't want to leave. He invited me to stay the night, but I declined. I stayed until 3:00. He seemed so happy. I was enjoying myself, too, but more cautiously. He just kept talking, one topic after another, as if he was opening up for the first time in years. So today I was talking to KO about it, and of course she's always got to drag me kicking and screaming back down to Earth. And I realized we're moving WAY too fast, and even though we never got close to having sex, we still need to scale back the physical contact. And he's oversharing. I was really upset about it earlier tonight. Crying and rehearsing "You don't know what you're getting into" and "I'm not as stable as I seem" conversations. My low self esteem came back full force for a while, and I think I was speaking from memories of my relationship with BK. I was certain I'd just fuck up AD's life. I texted him to ask when he wanted to hang out next, thinking maybe when he got off work he could come over and I could talk to him about slowing down. But I thought about it so much, I got really upset and didn't think I could handle it. So when he suggested tonight, I was honest and told him I'm having a delayed reaction to last night's events, and that I need some space to process them. He understood and said I could take all the time I need, which was a relief. We texted a little, and I told him we moved too fast last night and need to slow down. He agreed. So I invited him over after work on Thursday to talk more about it after I've had a few days to mull everything over. I feel better after getting that off my chest, and it's a relief to know that he's willing to be patient. He said he's nervous because he really doesn't want to screw this up. It feels so strange, to be wanted. I spent pretty much my whole life wishing I was someone worth wanting, and now someone wants me, and I'm not sure if I want that? What? Lately I have been thinking a lot about how I evaluate myself and my life almost entirely through relationships. When I was with BK, my self esteem was tied almost entirely to his perception of me, my quality of life was tied to how satisfied I was in my relationship with him. I find that even while single, all I ever think and write about is who I'm attracted to, who I want, who does or doesn't want me, do I stay single or should I date again, should I have casual sex or not. Am I only capable of thinking about myself in terms of romantic relationships? It's been this way since middle school. Maybe even fourth grade. The most important thing in my life has always been who I like, who I want, and why they don't want me. And lately, the main theme is, why do I only ever seem to want people who I expect not to want me? And why am I so scared of the rare person who does want me? 11:10 p.m. - 2013-10-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Girls, music Good heavens, I have a full blown ladycrush for the first time in a while. I have a coworker, TC, who is just... so cute. And she's gay, and single. And really fucking cool. And we're buds, ever since we went to "team bonding night" at this bar and grill a while back. I think she was even flirting with me a little that night? So I'm having to revisit the whole "Am I bi or just curious?" question, which is confusing, but kind of exciting. I don't plan to act on it any time soon, if at all. But I do hope to get to know her better, and she seems receptive to hanging out more. Music is an easy icebreaker, because she loves all kinds. She said she'd love to go to a show sometime. So there's a good excuse to ask her to hang out. I can't date yet. It sucks. I still see myself as less cool, less attractive, less mature, less, less, less than everyone I'm attracted to. I think, what could they see in me? I think, if they do see something in me, they'll realize eventually that they're wrong. They will be disillusioned sooner or later and see that I'm not worth the time or effort. I'm making progress. I understand and truly believe now that I'm at least worthy of friendship. I didn't used to believe that about myself. But I'm still not feeling worthy of love. I don't know how long that's going to take. I would like to be more open, more receptive, to life, to joy, to letting go of my insecurities. I realized that it's probably unattractive to most people that I so sternly refuse to dance. They say, "Oh come on, we can't dance for shit and we're doing it. You have to just not care about what anyone thinks of you." I like to watch others dance, even when they're dancing poorly, because they look like they're having fun. That's my thing, though. I've grown up watching everyone else have fun. Fun is for other people to have, not me. It's inappropriate, embarrassing for me to have fun. It's selfish, because what if my fun is annoying to bystanders? What if my fun is childish or stupid or crazy? I'm so inhibited, and that's only attractive to people who don't like themselves, so they want to keep others down with them. One last thing I wanted to write about. I want to take up the kalimba (mbiru, thumb piano). It usually requires the player to grow out their thumbnails. I need to stop picking my skin. I've been doing okay with that, mostly. But I've been cuitting my nails too short to use. I'm trying something new, where I grow out just my thumbnails, and keep the others cut short. I won't be able to pick my face that way, but I might still be able to pick my shoulders. Maybe if I tell myself that it's either picking or finally allowing myself to play music, I'll choose music. Let's hope I don't use picking as an excuse to prevent myself from facing my fear of learning an instrument... or use my fear of learning an instrument as an excuse to keep picking. 7:30 p.m. - 2013-09-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drunken gossip Last night BS, SD, and KK and I went out for "girls' night out". BS let it slip that she'd recently heard that BK fooled around with a "chubby" woman who's married to a lesbian. I don't know all the details, but she said this woman at least went down on him, then "ran away". She said BK feels very ashamed. It tells me a few things about him. One, that he has low enough self esteem to engage in sex acts with a woman who he does not find attractive - one doesn't usually use the term "chubby" affectionately. Two, he is making very bad decisions without taking into account that he could be seriously messing up other people's lives. Ultimately she played an equal part in the equation, but he could have acknowledged that she's married and chosen not to get involved. Honestly, it upsets me to hear about this, as I knew it would. But it also helps to cement my knowledge that I did the right thing breaking up with him. He's not really a good guy. Shit, if he's impulsive enough to temporarily not care about potentially fucking up someone's marriage, who's to say he wouldn't have been capable of cheating on me, if we'd stayed together? It helps reaffirm that I was right not to trust him. I understand that he's in a low point in his life, but shit, I've been suicidal off and on for the last several months, and you don't see me sleeping with married people. Or people I'm not attracted to. Or anyone, actually, because I know that it would be harmful for me to do that right now. It makes me proud of how I've handled myself and how I've coped with the breakup. Wow, it's really nice to compare myself to him and feel like I'm doing better than he is, instead of putting myself below him - or knowing that he's putting me below him, for that matter. But that still isn't helping to remove this familiar anxious tightness in my stomach. 7:13 p.m. - 2013-08-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Boy crazy BK and I have been broken up for almost four months now. When we broke up, I was on the tail end of my period, so tack on one week that we hadn't had sex. And then since we were depressed and tired and fighting, I don't think we had sex for a while before I started, either. So it's been four months, if not longer, since I've had sex . I am like a middle school girl all over again. Everywhere I look, all I seen is MEN. Eye-fucking the guys at work who are too young for me, looking at men at shows and then looking away and then looking again to see if they're looking at me... I'm living with KC now. It's been great so far, although she's been mostly out of town for almost a week and I'm getting pretty bored and lonely. My neighbors? Even hotter than I remember. I think they're both a couple of years older than me. Their names are E and S. I wish I could just knock on their door and ask which of them is looking for a good time. I honestly don't care which one. I'd take either, although I'm partial to E's dark curls. Fuck, when his hair is freshly washed, he is so sexy. I don't know if they want me, but I know they're aware of me when I'm home. Last night, I was watching Daria on DVD. Tonight, I heard them watching it through the wall, so they had to have heard me. I didn't think it was possible to feel sexual tension through cinder block walls. God damn. I'm being mildly inappropriate because I want attention. I know they can hear me singing. I've toned it down after realizing just how well they can probably hear, but I haven't stopped. I want them to be impressed. This is something I haven't really allowed myself to want before, and definitely haven't allowed myself to seek: recognition for my singing. I'm also walking out of the bathroom in my robe, or in my sports bra after a workout, when I know full well the window shades are partially open. Since Kate's not home, I've kept my door open while masturbating (which occurs damn near daily), and when I come, I don't hold back. I moan and gasp and whimper the same way I would if I were having sex with a partner. I have this slight exhibitionist streak, it seems, and it turns me on at the time to think that one or both of them might hear me. Afterward, I feel embarrassed, and wonder if they did hear but felt creeped out. It would be a terrible idea to fuck either of them. I heard one of them talking to his friend outside when he was drunk, and they're typical guys. "You slept with Emily? Emily's hot!" Talking about how some woman sent twenty or so naked pictures of herself. I wouldn't date either of them, especially since they're neighbors. But god do I ever want to fuck them. Meanwhile, I'm getting checked out, looked at, flirted with more often since the breakup. By strangers, not by people who've been holding back because I they knew I was attached to BK. It's odd. I think that, since breaking up, my self esteem has slowly risen. Before we moved out, I mentioned to BK that I was getting checked out more often. I asked him, "Am I prettier than I realize?" He awkwardly confirmed that he believes so. Maybe I really am. I'm trying to let go of this notion that if I don't find myself very attractive, no one else must, either. And let's not forget J at that party a couple of months ago. I ended up asking MY about him recently while we were both drunk. She had been talking about this friend she wanted to set me up with, and I pulled her aside and said, "Actually, don't tell anyone I asked you this... But what's up with your friend J?" Her eyes got huge. She gasped. "I never even thought of that!! You're exactly what he's looking for in a woman!" Oh god. What have I done? She said she wouldn't tell him I asked, but that she'd try and get us both together at the same time. I immediately tried to talk her out of it, said I'm not ready, I need more time. "Whatever, take your two months or whatever, but then..." She said he's thirty-one, even older than BK, but that he's not the type to hold it against me for being in a different stage in my development than he's in, like BK did to me. She said he's recently broken up too. Not sure if it's good for two people who've recently broken up to get together. But honestly? I'm kind of looking forward to giving this a try. There was a definite attraction when we met. Maybe he's nicer, more respectful. Can't blame myself for wanting to find out. I'm getting impatient for the day to come when I feel good enough about myself to start dating again. 9:46 p.m. - 2013-08-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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