This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tonight Tonight is one of those nights when you wake up from a catnap under three blankets, wearing two sweaters and two pairs of pants and you're still cold, and you can't fall back asleep because you can't stop the thoughts, rapid thoughts, disjointed snippets of images of frantic, beastly, dead-eyed sex, which almost as quickly as they came fade into memories of warmth and comfort. It's the kind of night where you're suddenly struck with a tremendous sense of loss, which eight months later still leaves you feeling just as raw and freshly ripped open and gutted as the first night you experienced it, and you cry under the dim light of the paper lanterns you've strung up because you still can't face the dark, even at your age. You cry, and feel small and alone, you feel like a child who needs to be held, in fact your whole body feels an overwhelming sensation of being unheld, which feels just as strange and empty and wrong as it sounds. It's one of those bitter cold December nights where you're pulled forcibly and rapidly back and forth between a crushing, aching longing and a bitter wariness, hopelessly confused and afraid you'll never stop feeling this way, and you draw your knees up to your chest, bury your head in your arms and sob and you start to hyperventilate and you try to control your breathing, and just when you think you're done, another memory stabs its way into your consciousness, and there you go again. This is that dark, desperate kind of night you've gotten so used to of late, where your fear of living threatens to overtake your fear of death. 12:49 a.m. - 2013-12-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Inappropriate Hmm, throw out all that stuff from the last entry about working through the depression with exercise, crafts, cleaning, seeing friends... It's December, and I keep bouncing back and forth between resigning myself to despair, and trying to kick myself back into gear. I'm behaving inappropriately toward men. With men, I'm a fucking goddamn embarrassing mess. Tonight, I heard my neighbor EG start up his truck. Knowing full well that you can see through my blinds, I changed my shirt in front of the window. I wanted him to see. I will probably regret it later. I don't know. I have a new room mate because KC spends all her time out of town with DP, and she's subleased her room to my new pal EH. EH's really cool, so far. He likes Zelda. A LOT. Goodness. He's smart, pretty nice, funny, smokes a lot of weed. He's pretty nerdy. And he has this tight little body, the body of a black belt, a cyclist, a twenty-three year old with two fast food jobs and no car. He's only 5'6", but I love short, little guys since I'm short myself. He has a habit of lying on the floor on his back or his side, stretched out so that his shirt rides up and exposes a couple of inches of skin. It's a problem. The first night he moved in, I had the strongest urge to reach out and grab him around his little waist, or grab his butt, or do any number of grossly inappropriate things. Maybe it's because the last time I lived with a man, it was in a romantic context? Maybe I'm just reacting to the mere presence of a man in such close proximity. His eyes are bright and alive, and he's enthusiastic about his interests, which are plentiful. He admits to crying. He's pretty open. His first (or second?) night here, we both told each other a lot about ourselves, troubles with the opposite sex, recent breakups - his was six months ago, mine's nearing eight. He has a thing for his best friend A, who is loud and bubbly and annoying. He curls up into a ball or hides under the covers when he talks about it. He told me that he has asperger's, I told him I have mild OCD. He's real. It's refreshing. Obviously I have a crush, but I imagine it'll go the same route my crush on TC went, and we'll quickly settle into a comfortable friendship. But I admit to wanting him to be attracted to me. And I have worn my leggings around the apartment to emphasize my butt, hung out in the living room without a bra, leaned over while wearing a low cut shirt. Inappropriate. I just want some attention. But damn, when he stretches, and that little strip of skin and happy trail peeks out... Oh, and WA. God. I'm fucking Lizzy McGuire when he's around, tripping over myself. I'm a fucking middle school girl, writing the popular boy's name in her notebook, surrounded by hearts. I try to make small talk but it comes out wrong. I stumble over words. I try to smile but worry that it came out more like a grimace. Or, more often, try to smile, even just make eye contact, and fail. I tell myself, I'm going to do it, I'm going to look him in the eye and smile, and then he looks up, and I look away. Yesterday, I was walking up the stairs and tried to wave hello to him. I was so busy looking at him, I almost plowed right into some other guy as he turned the corner. I'm a fucking cliche, and I haven't matured past fourteen. He came to my desk last month, said "So someone told me you're a huge Zelda nerd." I showed him that I'd been listening to Zelda covers on Bandcamp all day. Not too long after, he approached me in the break room to tell me about his Zelda-themed 3DS. I told him I'd send him links to that music, so the next day I added his name to my IM contact list, and did just that. Tried to chat a little, mostly about Zelda to keep things light, and I'm pretty sure I came on too strong. He backed way off for a while. I assumed I'd blown it. Whatever "it" even was. Well, now he's back to looking at me, smiling at me, saying hi, making small talk. The other day, he was on his way out the door, and suddenly changed course in a way that sent him seemingly out of his way, past my desk. Said, "Goodnight, ANS." Did he go out of his way to say bye to me? I'm not sure what to make of it. He said goodnight to me again yesterday, but not today. He did say hi though. He grins when he says hi, always uses my name. I grin back, and I can't hide the flirtation in my expression. He knows I want him and I'm sure it amuses him, but I also wonder if it doesn't creep him out. Problem is, I've put myself so far below him, below everyone. I realized a while back, it's not that I ever put BK on a pedestal - it's that I put myself in a hole. Well, with WA, I think I have him on a pedestal and myself in a hole. I tell myself, he's too good looking, probably really smart, he's in college, he's probably motivated, he's in good shape, he probably wouldn't want me, I'm fat, I'm lazy, I'm psychologically damaged, I'm not as smart as I think I should be, I didn't go to school, I'm not very attractive, I'm not driven. I tell myself this about most people. I imagine that they're all energetic, happy, hard-working, intelligent, responsible, mature, well-adjusted, with good social skills, easygoing, fun to be around. I don't imagine them crying when they're alone, or doubting themselves, or spending a whole day watching cartoons and eating ice cream and pizza and chips. I don't picture them getting road rage or flying off the handle when someone bruises their ego. I don't imagine them leaving the dishes to sit for a week, not cleaning their shower for months. In my mind, they are not secretly depressed, thinking of suicide, not wanting to leave the house because of their fears, agonizing over whether to call a friend and risk rejection or retreat into the comfortable (but empty) safety of solitude for another night. I don't imagine them watching porn, then feeling guilty about what they've just jerked off to. Why do I think everyone's so damn perfect? Why do I imagine that no one worth my desire or regard has flaws? That's absurd. The question that I keep coming back to, is why do I only ever seem to want people who I expect not to want me? With WA, at least, I think it's safer. If he's up on a pedestal, he's out of my reach. I'm free to worship him from below and reassure myself that I never would have attained him anyway, so it's best not to bother seeking him. If I did reach out, put myself on the line and told him I was interested, and he told me the feeling was mutual... What would I even do with him? It's like that episode of Home Movies, where Jason stalks Penny, and Brendan tells her that Jason likes her. She says, "He's cute, I'd stalk him." They they finally meet, decide to be boyfriend/girlfriend, and a few seconds later, they break up because it's too weird, and not fun anymore. What I'm learning is that I've developed a deep-seated fear of intimacy following my breakup with BK. It existed before, but man did I ever try to work past it with him. I worked and worked and he barely budged, in fact I'm pretty sure he became less open with me over time, less willing to put in his fair share of work on communication. Now it feels like an incredible risk to allow someone to know me in the way that I allowed BK to. It took five years, but it finally happened - He finally learned enough about me that he decided he didn't want me anymore. Oh yes, he's on my mind too, constantly. His birthday's in just a few days. For a while, we were corresponding on facebook. About nigredo, looking into the shadow, shedding the identity, emerging new. About my dreams, about philosophy, development, psychology, spirituality, all the topics I've craved so achingly to talk about since I realized that AD was not, in fact, BK. The discourse was respectful and satisfying, and it only made me long for him more. He didn't reply to my last message, and I took that to mean that perhaps I'd come on too strong again. I haven't talked to him since. Last weekend, he put out an open invitation on facebook to join him and LM at a bar. KC went, invited me along, and did I ever want to go. But I stayed home. I was missing him too much. It seemed dangerous to see him. How backwards is that? I miss someone, I want to see them... so I'm going to avoid them? She came home and reported, as KK had reported last month, that he misses me. He'd asked her how I was doing. She lied and said I was doing fine. He said, "I don't doubt that." Why do I wish she'd told him I wasn't fine at all? KK told me last month that he talks about me to JD a lot. Said it was never that he stopped loving me. That's strange, I remember pretty clearly asking if he still loved me. It's like he has amnesia. He tells JD and KC that he misses me, talks about me fondly... But he told LS shortly after the breakup, "ANS broke up with me on her own. I didn't even have to be a dick to her." Which implies that he'd wanted to break up for a while, and had already expressed that to LS prior to the dissolution of our relationship. Oh, but now he misses me. All I want to do is call him up and tell him to come over, tell him I want him back. I want him to say he's sorry, he was mean to me, he understands now, he never stopped loving me after all. I get crushes on various people, I want to reach out and touch and hold, kiss and stroke and suck earlobes and boy do I ever want to fuck, but when I'm honest with myself, I really don't want anyone else but him. I want his eyes the way they used to look at me, warm and brown and loving me, smiling at me, I want his hands in my hair, I want my face against his chest hair, taking in the smell of him. This morning I almost started crying because I remembered the first couple of times we took a shower together. I don't know why it took me so long to get around to missing that. The way he washed my hair so gently. I'd cling to him and rest my head up against his wet chest hair and I felt like a little kid, a very little kid in the arms of a trusted parent (my mind is terrified to admit that it feels like what I can almost remember it felt like to be held by Daddy, before I stopped calling him that), safe and cared for, loved unconditionally. How did we go from that to all the conditions? How did I go from feeling accepted as a whole to feeling like I could never be good enough? What happened in him, and what happened in me? I suppose I felt so lucky to have accidentally snagged him, I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Surely he'd find out eventually how I "really am". Well, either he finally found out, or I became what I feared he'd see in me. A self fulfilling prophecy. Oh, by the way, I think I'm finally going to get on meds soon. I'm suicidal, impulsive, unfocused, and my self image swings wildly up and down from one day to the next. I'm scaring myself. I think it's time. 9:03 p.m. - 2013-12-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blugh. It's fucking November again. My depression has kicked in full force. And why the fuck do I want BK back so strongly lately? I cry about it daily. It's kind of pathetic. I even sent him a facebook message, saying I missed talking to him. He responded with a couple of "catching up" paragraphs, and I responded with twice as much text. He's read my response, and hasn't replied. So, came on too strong. He can probably tell I want him back. So, because I'm obviously still in love with him (goddamnit), I need to break it off with AD. It's going nowhere, anyway. I just keep comparing him to BK. He's not as deep, not nearly as good a kisser, not as smart... Even though I thought BK was too smart, too deep for me (and thus I couldn't satisfy his needs), I loved those things about him. And I need that in a partner. I can't be with a nihilist. I feel like my own beliefs and vague spirituality won't be supported. And all AD wants to do is watch TV. TV depresses me. It can be a fun diversion for a while, but you don't talk when you watch TV, you don't get to know each other. I think we've been using it as a buffer so we don't have to learn much about one another, and ultimately don't have to face the reality that the only things we have in common are metal and various nerdy fandoms. I'm not even that attracted to him. He's kind of fat. I just don't get into that body type, even though he does have a cute face. So last night I had plans to see him. I was going to break the news to him, but CS was outside and stopped me. Well, then AD came out, and CS invited us both inside. We were there for at least an hour, I'd guess more. I hadn't eaten, because my plan was to just show up, have the conversation, and leave. So I was starving, and didn't feel up to having that conversation on an empty stomach. We went downtown to get pizza... Only to find that fucking CS was at the bar we parked in front of. So we went in to say hi, then walked to the pizza place and ordered, then went back to the bar to hang out while our pizza cooked, then back to the pizza place again. We went back to AD's place, ate, watched some Futurama on Netflix. I was tired and curled up. He fell asleep on top of me. Sigh. Can't rightly break up with a man after I've allowed him to cuddle with me, can I? So I'll have to do it another time. Fucking CS. Always got in the way with my last relationship, now she's messing with this one too. And she doesn't even mean to. She just has to talk to everyone, for hours and hours. So, boy troubles aside, I'm trying to do my best to stay afloat during the depression. I'm already getting the bullshit talks about changing the way I think, improving my attitude, etc. I HAVE. A CHEMICAL. IMBALANCE. THIS HAPPENS. EVERY. FUCKING. YEAR. AT THE SAME. FUCKING. TIME. Yes, I do count my blessings, I do remind myself how many people love me, remind myself of my strengths, and try to stay busy cleaning, exercising, doing craft projects, going out with friends. I'M STILL DEPRESSED. I still want to sleep all day. I still feel lethargic and unfocused. I'm still suicidal. Even when I have nothing in particular on my mind at work, my productivity plummets. So does my self esteem. This is not something a fucking attitude adjustment will magically cure. This is a reaction to the dwindling sunlight in the winter, on top of my existing low level depression that I have year round. It's not a goddamned mindset. That said, I'm still taking steps to minimize it this year. I'm trying to stay immersed in projects, like the Zelda royal crest necklace I'm working on for TC. I'm crocheting more. I'm reading. I'm trying to get my room cleaned up. Once I get enough space cleared on the floor, I'll start exercising again. And I'm saving up for one of those fucking lightboxes JuD's always going on about. The only thing I haven't taken care of is the isolation. KC's never home. I spend most of my free time alone, and I need to change that. I need to start seeing friends on weekdays, instead of spending every evening alone. I wonder how I could break the ice with my neighbors. I think if I could get to where we have a friendly relationship and can just knock on each other's doors to hang out, that would be ideal. Sigh... One last boy update (I am hopeless, aren't I?). WA. Oh lord. Have I written about him yet? He is beautiful. He's half Saudi Arabian, half white. He has the Saudi facial features, with blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. And CURLS. Beautiful curls. He works in the department next to mine. We've made quite a game of looking at each other, sometimes trying not to get caught, sometimes making blatant eye contact. I've forced myself to be bolder recently, smiling at him, saying good morning, making polite "how are you" small talk. He did actually ask for my help on something a while back, and I made a point to introduce myself. I think he's interested, but KO keeps trying to talk me out of it, saying I shouldn't ever assume anyone's interested in me. So she can brag about all the men who stare at her boobs or check her out or tell her she's pretty (even though no matter how much weight she's lost she's still fat), but this attractive man couldn't possibly be interested in me. Anyway. I don't expect anything to come of this, since he hasn't made a move and neither have I. But it's still pretty fun to eyeflirt with him. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a shrink plastic Triforce to bake. Update: Triforce pendant was a failure. Back to the drawing board. Sigh. 8:21 p.m. - 2013-11-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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