This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- . So I'm the cliche ex girlfriend now, fucking up my ex's life long after we're over, trying to win him back even though I was the one who broke up with him, and even though he treated me poorly. I sent him a facebook message and at the end, I told him I missed him. It's been almost a week, and he has seen it, and hasn't responded. I told him this because I didn't think I'd see him again for a long time. Then KO canceled our new year's plans. So I decided I'd go to BG and MY's party after all. Well, BK's going to be there, along with only three other confirmed guests. Maybe EH, if MY says I can bring him along. This is stupid. Why do I want him back?! I wasn't "good enough" for him. I'm not even good enough for myself! I need to stay away from dating entirely. I need to be liked entirely too much. I constantly have to ask everyone for reassurance that they aren't on the verge of deciding they hate me. "What, you hate when people do _____? I do _____!!! Do you hate me?!" Honestly, I'm getting sick of KO. Fucking sick of her. She is constantly telling me about this behavior or that mindset that she hates. I feel like she's being passive aggressive and telling me she doesn't like when I do these things. Why the fuck is she friends with me if she seemingly can't stand a single thing about me? And I am sick to fucking death of being asked what I'm eating, or what I'm going to have for dinner after work, just so she has an excuse to smugly tell me how "unhealthy" (read: fattening) it is, and that she doesn't allow herself to eat that. Too many calories, too many carbs, too many grams of fat (KO, dearest? Fat doesn't actually make you fat), too much fucking sodium, for Christ's sake. SODIUM DOESN'T MAKE YOU FAT. She has never been able to offer up any reason why she avoids it to such extremes, other than "I don't want it." Meanwhile she'll eat high fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated oils, etc. without batting an eye. "I just don't pay attention to that stuff." She cuts her calories down to unhealthy levels, then "complains" that her pants are too big "again!" Then gets mad when larger people act like she's being a fucking weight snob, because she is one. She tells me at least once every day about how so-and-so, usually someone I know, told her she's beautiful, or has a nice body, or that she looks pretty today, etc. Honestly, this coupled with her discouraging "Don't assume that he's looking at you because he's attracted to you" comments has me feeling very unattractive. I have been voicing this subtly, saying I've been experiencing issues with my appearance and she is so fucking thick-headed that I think I'm going to have to actually ask her to stop bragging about how many men tell her each day how pretty she is. Today some new guy, not quite twenty-three, sent her an IM asking if she had a boyfriend and followed up by saying she had a nice body. Then she said "I don't need that clownshoe to validate my body." Right. So that's why she needs to be constantly overheard talking loudly about her diet, her exercise regimen, how "Oh my gawd, someone commented on my eating vegetables for breakfast again!" Hey, maybe if you didn't yell about it every morning, people wouldn't even notice that you were eating vegetables, and no one would feel the need to comment. And if she didn't need validation, why's she so goddamn obsessed with losing weight, bulking up, oh no I bulked up too much, got to lose more weight. I saw the picture of her with her hot sister and MILF of a mom when she was still fat. One look at that photo tells me exactly where her body image issues come from, and I don't believe for a second that she is only doing all this for her "health". I need to cut people like this out of my life. I hope she quits our job soon. She's been talking about it for a while. I need to phase her out because I feel horrible about myself probably 85% of the time when we talk. My friends aren't all perfect with positive attitudes and college degrees and high-paying jobs and discipline, but they like me. And they don't make subtle jabs about how I'm not tough enough, not positive enough, too sensitive, too paranoid, blah, blah. They allow room for me to be myself, and I don't feel like KO allows that. It was why I cut BK out, and it's gonna be why she gets cut out eventually, too. Meanwhile? I'm suicidal tonight, so that's been fun. Couldn't stop crying about missing BK (oh, by the way, KO also went off about a friend of hers who needs to get over her ex already). I need meds. Pretty badly. I want to like myself. I want to be happy. I don't want to think that the only escape is suicide. EH once committed himself to a mental hospital because he was feeling suicidal and had a lot of guns around. He said he didn't feel safe. That's how I feel lately. I know I won't kill myself. But I feel very impulsive, very hopeless and desperate for escape, and it's scaring me. So, I think I'm going to tell him that I've been feeling this way. Is that a mistake? We don't know each other that well yet, and he might think I'm crazy. But he's told me a lot about himself, and based on what he's told me, I think he'd understand. There have actually been a couple of times recently when I've been scared enough to consider driving to a hospital, or at least calling a friend to come stay with me until I feel more stable. 6:49 p.m. - 2013-12-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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