This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fuck you, 2013. So yesterday BK replied to my message that I sent apologizing in case I made him uncomfortable by telling him that I miss him. He said we're cool, he misses me too, that he misses "yesterday". He said he's been avoiding his feelings by keeping himself busy all the time, and that's meant avoiding me, and apologized for that. "Because it's not you or your character. It's just me being a certain type of fucking lazy." Which is so validating to hear. And pretty much sums up why I broke up with him - he was avoiding me, because he can't handle his feelings. Fuck, it's a big step just admitting he has them. I wrote him back and told him pretty much everything short of "I still love you." Told him it was hard to hear that he missed me through the grapevine, since I'd broken up with him because I thought he wouldn't miss me. I told him I still wish we could have worked and even that we could try again, but that I don't expect him to want that and I'm not in a good state to try. I told him I've been doing pretty badly lately, hinted at feeling like I'm a danger to myself, and said I plan to start on meds soon. We didn't actually end up at BG and MY's party at the same time. Today, he wrote a reply that said it's "time to start sorting through all this." He basically said he's left me hanging for too long. Heh. Just had a thought, that's another reason I had to break up with him - He kept leaving me hanging. Always waiting on him, never finalizing plans, leaving me unable to finalize any of my own plans in relation to him. He said he would write me back later because he just got dropped off, hungover, and needed to eat and recover. That was at 5:30, and it's 10:15 as I type this. Ha... Left me hanging again tonight, but I expected that. I honestly don't know what he'll say in his reply. I'm anxious to see what he has to say, very anxious. Kind of scared there will be criticisms, and kind of scared too that there will be validations. Because if he validates me, that's going to feel so wrong - like, really? NOW? When I hear through friends that he's said good things about me, either during or after our relationship, it feels akin to when my dad tells me he loves me. It makes me feel panicky and angry and resentful - like, why couldn't you have said this when I needed to hear it the first time around? So anyway, new years eve last night. I managed to drag a (mopey?)EH out to BG and MY's party. It was pretty boring at first, kind of awkward. LM was there, but other than that, none of my group showed up, at least not while I was there. A few more of their friends showed up, they built a fire in the pit outside, and that gave us all something to do. Kind of eased the awkwardness. BG has this thing where he likes to put on a video on mute, then play music so it has the effect of feeling like a music video. Looney Tunes in the garage, Evil Dead 1 and 2 spliced together in chronological order along with Army of Darkness in the living room. Pretty entertaining. EH and MY bonded over MY's snake, which made me happy because it was the first I really saw EH talk much to people. Also. BG caught me alone in the kitchen and said he had looked at my facebook pictures, and that I have a really nice smile. I think he's sweet on me, I really do, and I don't think he cares if I know, and I don't think I care, either. It's not threatening, and it's flattering as fuck. I love BG and he and MY both mean the world to me. But especially him. I just feel a very strong bond with him and feel very safe in his presence. Oh, and right when we were leaving, JK showed up. I wrote about him months and months ago. He's the one who flirted with me shortly after the breakup, who gave me the sparkler at that summer party. He remembered me, too. Heh. He looked good, too. I told him it was nice to see him again, made sure to smile a lot, and wished him a happy new year. Then I made the rounds, said my goodbyes, then drove home to prepare for TC's party. We left pretty late, on foot. EH was in better spirits. The walk seemed to drag on forever. I thought for while that we'd missed our turn. We missed midnight. Oh well. He popped open his huge bottle of champagne, gave me a sip, then kept drinking. When we walked up to the house, BD was outside loudly talking about porn. So that was a pretty entertaining conversation. TC's party was immensely more fun than the first one. There were more people, and her room mates were all really cool, and BD is a riot, talking about the balls on her strap-on and how she doesn't want a man on top of her breathing heavy, but she loves to see dick in porn. I was hanging out on the couch making friends with a woman named MS who was very drunk and very friendly and very hands-on and cuddly. TC came inside and said, "So, your room mate just emptied the contents of his stomach onto the front porch..." I went outside to check on him, and he was fucked up. Just trashed. I knew he'd taken ADHD meds (amphet salts, I think) before the first party, and had at least one beer at BG and MY's. Unbeknownst to me, he hadn't eaten at all before setting out to the parties, had more beer at BG and MY's than I'd realized, and downed the entire bottle of champagne while we we still walking to TC's. He just sat on a bench on the porch and puked for a really long time, then suddenly got up, puke still dripping from his face, and said, "I got to take a shit." So they herded him into the bathroom, and then he didn't come out for a really long time. Someone opened the door to check on him and found him sitting cross-legged on the floor, awake but not very responsive. He seemed upset, but maybe he was just too fucked up. We gave him some water. The party continued on without him (we did check on him regularly), and it was still a blast. TC donned her zebra print footie pajamas that her mother had given her for Christmas, pictures were taken, and merriment ensued. Everyone left except me and EH, who finally managed to walk to the couch and pass out, BD, and MS. We stayed up watching Mama, which was dumb, but entertaining anyway. MS got all cuddly with me on the couch. I was kind of dismayed because I was hoping that TC's room mate J would get cuddly with me instead, but she was sitting between us. Buuuuut. Goodness, did I ever enjoy cuddling with a nice, soft stranger. We weren't full on embracing, just sitting up next to each other, and she kept resting her arm on my thigh. I got a blanket because I was cold, and we shared it, and she put. Her hand. On my thigh. If she moved it away, she would put it back later. I rested my hand in the crook of her elbow. Off and on, she rested her head on my shoulder, and I rested my own head on top of hers. Honestly, I was really tempted to reach over and play with her hair, or stroke her thigh, or even kiss her. But there were people around, and I thought I'd heard her mention a husband earlier - turns out she's divorced, though. Oh, and? This afternoon, she sent me a friend request on facebook, dispite my never disclosing my last name. TC drove us home in the morning. EH's feeling better. I forgot to mention that his best frind AP is staying with us for about two weeks. I'm already fucking sick of her. She's 19, bubbly, shallow, one of those high-energy talktalktalk gogogo types. She has to know EH has a thing for her, because she's fucking with his head so hard. She comes out of the bathroom clad only in a towel after her showers, changes her shirt in front of him, says shit like, "Oh, this thong is so uncomfortable! I don't know why I bought it, I just like to have cute underwear!" She listens to John Mayer and only John Mayer, although she claims to also be obsessed with Billy Joel. She wears half-shirts and leggings and nothing else, in the dead of winter. Oh, and today, EH and I were both sitting around, him playing one of his online games, me with Netflix up, just lazing around. She came in from the gym, and said "Y'all are just not into this life thing at all today, are you?" Oh, fuck no, you didn't just judge me for taking some time to relax on a holiday. I got up and went to my room and haven't spent much time out in the living room since. I do not have the energy to deal with her presence and I don't expect that I'll leave my room much until she's out. I admit to being jealous of EH's feelings for her. It's stupid. He claims to hate shallow, stupid girls. But she is both of those, and he clearly sees it. He's told me that he thinks she's really cute, and I just don't get it. She is straight up ugly, I think. She has a nice little jailbait figure, I suppose, from all the exercise. But her face... just no. He also said makeup's stupid, but she wears a fuckton of it. Why do men talk shit on these things about women, but then they always seem to pick a woman who fits all of those descriptions which they deride? Obviously, you like when women wear makeup, otherwise you would pick a woman who doesn't wear it. Why tell yourself otherwise? What is wrong with our culture, that we have to keep pretending we have different likes and tastes and opinions and values than we really have? Obviously, I'm just as guilty of that as everyone else, though. 9:54 p.m. - 2014-01-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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