This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.

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Fuckles.

Oh, also? I'm experiencing serious food guilt lately. Sometimes not so much guilt, but dismay felt when I have to eat because I'm hungry. I'll think things like, I know I need to eat to stay alive, but I'm worried that the sugar in this orange will give me belly fat. So I will eat the orange, enjoy the orange, but still feel dismayed that I have to eat it. So that's new and fun.

10:16 p.m. - 2014-01-08

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Admonishments

I keep catching myself talking to myself tonight. It's so second nature that I don't feel like I have control over it. I don't realize I'm doing it. I keep forgetting EH is home, sleeping on the couch. I can't remember now if my bedroom door was open or closed when I was talking earlier. The subject matter would have been extremely embarrassing for him to overhear, and I can only imagine what kind of reaction he might have to that.

Really imagine it, for a second. You're in the living room and it's quiet, then suddenly you hear speech from your room mate's room. There's no one with her. She's not on the phone. She's barely speaking above a whisper. She is obviously talking to herself, or possibly someone imagined. Maybe your eyes widen while you sit there and listen, as it dawns on you that you've just signed up to live with a crazy person until August. And she's talking about crazy things. Is she schizophrenic? Is she hearing voices, seeing people? I mean, honestly, if I had a room mate who did this, I'd probably think they were pretty unhinged, even though I do it, too.

The idea of not being in control of this behavior is usually even scarier than imagining picking my skin without realizing it in front of people. What if I were at my desk and started talking? What if I didn't realize it until a minute or two had passed? What does this mean about me, that I talk to myself so often? It's fucking scaring me.

And weed is obviously a huge trigger. It just wipes out my awareness of my surroundings enough that I forget that I'm not alone, or forget that I'm talking next to a wall that I share with my neighbors, and they can probably hear me.

And so after my first bout of shame upon realizing I've done it again, after the high wears off and I am more in control of my thoughts and impulses, what do I do? I smoke more fucking weed. Because I hate myself, apparently. I'm just going to destroy myself, because fuck it. And what do I do after I take a hit? Immediately start talking to myself. This time with the door cracked open. This time louder - though still barely above a whisper, I think - and this time ranting. Yeah, EH is totally still gonna think I'm sane, definitely.

Is this part of the OCD? Do I maybe have something different than OCD after all, some kind of specific impulse control disorder? I did a quick search and found something called compulsive talking, but the article said that the talkers are not shy in nature. That wouldn't really apply to me. And I don't talk to people compulsively, just to myself.

It always brings on intense anxiety and shame and a feeling of alarm when I catch myself doing it. And I usually start telling myself, often still out loud how badly I've fucked up, how crazy it is to talk to myself, "Shitshitshit, was I talking? Stop talking to yourself! It's crazy!" I tell myself it's really creepy that I do this, really unsettling, possibly a sign of a serious mental illness. If I were caught, it would be so off-putting.

I think I just have too many thoughts in my head, and I need to say them, but I don't feel like I have a safe space for that. The only safe space is with myself, and even that's not foolproof, because I might counter with my own self-abasement.

I have a lot of pent-up pain, resentment, hurt feelings, that I can't confront people about. When I talk to myself, I'm usually pretending to have a conversation with someone who's hurt or wronged me in some way, someone I haven't been able to approach about their transgressions. KO, or BK, or my mom, or my coworkers. Or, when it's not someone else, I turn on myself. I talk to myself, about myself, all about how screwed up I am.

I think I spent way too much time alone growing up, and still do today. And I think that my isolation coupled with the emotional abuse has led me to feel like it's not safe to be myself around other people. The only safe times are when I'm alone. But it doesn't make me feel safe anymore, if it ever really did. It makes me feel scared for myself. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm slipping into something serious, and it's going to be very hard to get out of, if I don't make some major changes soon.

Well, I bought new tires today. I've been holding off on meds until after getting tires, to make sure I'd have enough money. I haven't checked my account balance yet, but if it's looking okay, I'll be scheduling a doctor's appointment soon.

10:15 p.m. - 2014-01-08

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