This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- . I went all day without getting stoned today, for the first time in a very long while. Since before AP started staying with us, I reckon. By the way, she's back in the dorms! Sort of. She still comes over all the fucking time. And eats my FUCKING FOOD. Today she and EH went to the store and used her money to replace my carton of milk that she depleted to make pancakes. Then she came over and dipped broccoli into my sour cream? HOW DO YOU NOT GET AT THIS POINT THAT YOU CANNOT EAT MY FOOD? I was home when she took my milk, and home when she took my sour cream, and she did not ask either time. Woo, tangent. Anyway, I forgot how nice it is to not be stoned. I need to try that more often. I still smoked when I got home from BS's place (bad TV and crafts, yay), because I'm home alone tonight, and more often than not, when I'm left alone I just completely lose my shit. It's been this way for a solid two months, now. Well, last night was my first night where I actually had a few hours alone, since before AP stayed with us. I was watching this British show called Skins, basically a soap opera about 16-18 year olds who do drugs and have sex with each other and then break up and then get back together. Everyone is always in love with each other, and I guess all the quotable lines about loving someone and missing someone got to me. I started thinking about BK, started crying, then sobbing, then next thing you know I'm curled up in bed hugging my knees to my chest just dumping it all out. I think maybe since AP's been here for the last two weeks, I've had her and EH's drama to focus on instead of my own depression and missing BK. And, I just haven't had a safe space to cry without being heard. And I think the feeling of being untouched, unheld, has been getting to me again. Probably why I've been seeking so many hugs from EH. When I get that way, I end up clutching at myself, basically hugging myself as tight as I can, and it feels so desperate, and it doesn't feel the same as being held at all. So it reached a point where I had to take emergency measures, which for me means smoking weed and finding some chocolate (hot cocoa, in this case) and putting on a cartoon to distract myself (finally ran out of Adventure Time, so moved on to Regular Show). I felt okay after that, and then fell asleep after a while. Woke up at 3:30 with my computer in sleep mode, and my bedroom light still on. Got up, brushed my teeth, fed the cats, then went to bed for real... Only to wake up around 4:00 when EH returned from work. He offered me a bong rip, which I accepted, and we stayed up talking until after 6:00. He was lying on the couch when I said I was going to bed. I had been telling him a little bit about how I'd had a rough night and had been feeling depressed. So I asked him for a hug, because I like this whole hugging arrangement we've got going now. He stretched out his arms without getting up - so I had to get down and hug him while he was lying down. I was worried that this might seem too much like a boyfriend/girlfriendy hug instead of a friendy hug. But, I guess I don't have to make it that way if he doesn't. I just don't want him to read too much into it and think I'm into him, and I don't want him to start getting into me. I just want some hugs. It's been so nice having someone to seek comfort from. So, anyway, I imagine this week's going to stress me out. Today was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, so we had off work. Meaning our work volumes for the rest of the week are expected to be all fucked. And management will do their usual panic thing and ask a million people for extra hours when we don't actually have much more work than usual. And then later in the week they will do another panic thing about all the overtime everyone's racked up, and start making people leave early, and then we'll get more work, and no one will be around to do it. Sooooo I have next Monday and Tuesday off, because fuck that place. And I have therapy next Wednesday. And I'm thinking, since I have Monday and Tuesday off, this would be a good time to schedule a doctor's appointment to get some fucking meds. Because I would really like to have more days without getting high, and more nights without crying fits. Hey, I noticed the sun's setting later again, though. Fuck yes, winter's almost over, and we'll be getting more sun, and the temperature will rise, and I can get outside and take walks and feel better again. Fuck you, winter 2013-2014. You sucked worse than any other winter, ever. But you still didn't kill me. I win, bitch. Oh, also, prog fuckin' rules. 11:12 p.m. - 2014-01-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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