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MS

This morning at work, TC told me that MS asked her to extend an invitation to TC's room mate's Superbowl party. Now, I could give two shits about the damn Superbowl. But I damn sure want to investigate why MS has gone out of her way to see to it that I come to this party. I don't know what her intentions are. Best case scenario, she's into women, into me, and we hit it off and get together. Worst case scenario, she's not into women, or at least not into me, but I get a new friend! That's a win, either way.

Unfortunately, I've already accepted an invitation to SD's craft party that evening. So I probably won't be able to make it over to TC's on Sunday. Which, honestly, I'd probably be much more at home making twig wreaths than listening to people scream about sportsball. But I'm disappointed that I can't see what happens with MS.

TC told MS she should "nut up" (goddamn it, I love TC's vocabulary) and send me a Facebook message, and she pretty much said I should do the same. She was acting weird today, smiling this little smile that makes me think there's more to this than she's letting on. Like maybe MS's been asking about me? I don't know. Trying really hard not to read to much into this. But anyway, I logged on when I got home and sure enough, MS sent me a message at 9:00 or so this morning. She said that if I couldn't make it on Sunday, we should still hang out sometime. I "nutted up" and replied, and said that regardless of whether or not I can make it to the party, we should still hang out. I asked if she had anything specific in mind. So this hopefully sends a clear message that I would like to see her again, and that the ball's in her court, at this point.

Thing is, should I be sending such clear messages? All of this is very confusing to me. I'm afraid I might be trying to push something here, trying to make something happen that maybe I don't really want. I don't know. Ugh. I wish I knew what I fucking wanted!

I do know what I want. I want BK. But I don't want to want him anymore. I think? UUUUUGH. No, if I'm being honest with myself, I do want to still want him. I am very afraid to try something new, with anyone, because that would mean I'd have to stop clinging to BK. And I think I don't want to stop clinging. He was all I had for so long. In a way, he's still all I have.

There are some days, including right now, when I have this extremely strong urge to send him a Facebook message. Something like, "I don't want to pretend anymore. I miss you and I want you back. Do you want me back too?" But I'm afraid of the answer. Afraid of no, and afraid of yes. No means acceptance, and yes means... what, another five years of pain? Why do I want someone who caused me so much pain? I'll never be what he wants. And it kills me to want so badly to whittle myself into what I think he'd like to see me turn into, and to know that even if I tried (and I refuse to dignify his criticisms by trying to change myself for him) I'd fail.

It kills me. I don't feel right without him. I didn't feel right with him, either. I'm all mixed up, I don't remember which is worse, being with him or being without him. It's been nine months now since we broke up, and everything's fuzzy now in my memory. It's sort of like how I can't tell how wrong my fake meat tastes, because it's been twelve years since I've eaten real meat. Maybe I'm just not clearly remembering how awful it felt to let so much of my self worth rest in what he thought of me, how scary it was to wake up to daylight and his place still empty in the bed, how painful it was every time he brought up LS. I still remember all the good stuff though, clear as day. All the things he used to say about me, how I was his family, his sanctuary, his favorite. He called me baby, darlin', sweetie. He'd plea, "Kiss me!" when he was about to come, and when he was finished, he'd whisper, "I love you." He got a boner every single time we cuddled in bed before going to sleep. Every time! I miss him so much. I can't think of a loss that could hurt more than this. Maybe if I lost my sisters, or possibly my mom.

GOD DAMN IT, AP is here. And EH isn't. I just had to wipe off my face and act like I haven't been crying and answer the fucking door. God fucking DAMN IT I can't fucking STAND this bitch.

9:49 p.m. - 2014-01-31

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