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Life lessons from Helen Keller.

Yesterday, I arrived at work and flipped my "Doors of Life" calendar (clearance bin at Michaels because I forgot to buy a 2014 calendar) from January to Febuary. January's door-themed quote was from Walt Disney. Gross. This month's is from Helen Keller:

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.�

I thought it was a nice reminder to move on and be open to new opportunities. Just what I need to hear lately. I appreciated the synchronicity (BK's favorite term. Sigh...) of the quote showing up exactly when I needed that reminder.

Then later yesterday afternoon, I got a text from MY. "Do you remember my friend JK?" I said yes, and she responded, "He was interested in getting coffee with you and me sometime next week and wanted to know if it's okay if I give him your number?" I got soooooo excited. Nervous, but excited. I sent her a bunch more text about how he's cute and seems nice and worth a shot and how I was flattered he's interested. I told friends about it and both sisters. I kept saying "A boy likes me!" BECAUSE I AM FOURTEEN, FOREVER.

And I've come down now. I just read over the texts again, and realized one of MY's earlier texts explaining this said that he was ready to "make friends and meet girls." And I realized that I had just jumped straight into fantasy land, assuming that he's definitely interested in me. I'm not going to completely talk myself out of it and say I'm an idiot, he can't possibly be interested, clearly he just wants to make new friends. Come on, even if she didn't come right out and say that, he seemed interested the first time I met him, and at MY's new years party, too. When he came in, I said, "Hey I remember you! You gave me a sparkler!" His expression changed into one of recognition for second, and he smiled and said "ANS!" He remembered my name after flirting with me what, six or seven months ago? I imagine he is at least somewhat interested in me, if only curious.

MY thinks I'm "exactly what he's looking for in a woman!" She told me this months ago when I had asked about him. She has probably talked me up to him as much as she's talked him up to me. She's all about this. And this has me feeling so doomed. Because like I said, I'm fourteen forever. That's not really a joke. I've been thinking a lot about my emotional maturity level, and I don't feel much different than I felt in eighth or ninth grade. I feel about the same way about myself (ugly, fat, stupid, socially inept, unworthy or love or friendship, doomed to be alone), feel the same way about other people (they hate me, don't understand me, think I'm weird or crazy or creepy), and have the same generally pessimistic outlook. I can look like an adult on paper - I have an apartment, a car, a full time job with benefits for almost seven years, hobbies and friends and occasional love interests.

But I see a man, and suddenly I'm Doug Funnie and this man is my Patti Mayonnaise. I have more random work crushes than I can usually count - very rarely serious, just attractive men who I look at, to see if they are looking at me. I want to be wanted. Once I determine (or delude myself into thinking) that I've made someone want me, I've no idea where to go from there. I get scared, make no move, and the recipient of my looks and stares and glances eventually gets weirded out or bored or hooked onto someone else.

And, and, and... There is still the issue of me not being over BK. Today I was watching Skins, because I'm a masochist and I like to make myself sad, and at the end of this episode, the messed up freak girl and the dangerous, tortured soul guy who can't communicate adequately end up embracing, couple-style, during this inspirational song. And predictably, that made me cry. Because oh, how I relate to the freak girl, all tortured and crazy from some yet-unspoken past abuse. And oh, how the dangerous guy reminds me of BK, all hard and distant and alive and mysterious. And fuckin' sexy. Only in this TV show dreamland, they seem like they're going to work, and in my "reality", we didn't. Because we couldn't let it, or we couldn't make it, or something.

JK is thirty-two. I feel like a child right now. All small and scared. He is probably more interested in landing a girlfriend than a daughter, I'd wager. In short, I don't think I'm good enough. God damn it. When the fuck am I going to feel good enough?

10:05 p.m. - 2014-02-04

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