This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Abort mission Tonight I was thinking about JK. He still hasn't texted, and not knowing what's up is making me agonize over every possibility. I wish MY had just not told me she gave him my number. If I got a surprise text from him, "Hey this is JK, Mishelle gave me your number, you want to get coffee?" I probably would have been thrilled. Instead I'm telling myself bad things about myself, and why I shouldn't give someone new a chance, why I shouldn't give myself a chance yet, etc. I was thinking, what if we got together? What if he called, "Hey, do you want to hang out?" and I was high? Because I would be, because I'm high all the time. And I'd have to keep blowing him off. "Oh no, sorry, I... have to do chores. I have errands to run. I'm tired. I have a headache, a stomachache, cramps. Some other time?" What thirty-two year old man would want to try to have a relationship with a woman who does nothing but smoke weed and watch TV and play the fucking Sims all day? Who wants someone who dirties every dish in the kitchen before washing them, who doesn't clean up her cat's shit off the laundry room floor? What grown man wants a self-loathing crybaby who lives in a fantasy world? I've already convinced myself he's too good for me, and I don't even know him, and that means I have no business trying to get involved with him or anyone else. It should go without saying that I've been feeling heavily suicidal today, actually for the last several days, maybe a week. To the point where I have urges. I'll see cars coming and think, I could jump in front of the next one. I'll be driving and think, I could just crash into this wall. Tonight I was in the bathroom, with the door locked, and I thought, I could just stay in here, draw a bath, and slit my wrists. I cut a bunch of hair off last night. The longest layers are about chin length. I gave myself bangs again. I look cuter, younger, with this hairstyle. But at the same time, more mature somehow? It accentuates my cheekbones and jawline, and makes my face look slimmer. I've noticed that I cut my hair when I'm stressed, when I need a change, and when I'm feeling bad about myself. But you can't change yourself that quickly. And lately I feel like I'm changing back. Like, back to how I was in high school. I found myself seriously toying with the idea of cutting myself a couple of times recently. I don't feel like I can do this. Anything. I feel like I need a chaperone for a while, someone to stay with me during every little thing, washing dishes, cooking meals, taking care of myself. I wish I could hire BK to just come and do all the boyfriend things, plus some parent things, just help me and hold me and stroke my hair when I'm upset. I wouldn't even fuck him, kiss him, or anything. I'm a child who needs to be held, I just need to hear that it's going to be okay, that I'm okay. 12:49 a.m. - 2014-02-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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