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Hmm.

MY sent me a text tonight, asking if I want to get coffee tomorrow. She didn't mention if JK would be there or not. I suspect he'll be there, but I'm trying to abstain from forming any expectations whatsoever. I said I'd go, and then later realized I might have told my boss I'd stay late on Monday. Can't remember if he asked for this Monday, or next. Oh well. I'll tell my boss something came up, or maybe see if we can push coffee back a half hour or so.

I had a good time making dreamcatchers at SD's tonight. It's nice to learn a new skill. Builds confidence. My sister's been painting lately - she just started a few days ago, to have something to do, and she's already churning out these trippy little paintings like it's no big deal. She's shown me a colorful tree, a trippy sun, and a blue sun that's rising, with a bummed out face painted on it. My sister is one of the most amazing people I know. I'm so proud of who she's growing into. So, she's inspiring me to do more creative things, just jump in head first and not worry so much about the results.

On a completely unrelated note, I recently bought a beard trimmer, to trim my pubes. I used to use BK's, but of course I don't have access to that now. I figure, a few people have expressed interest in me, maybe it's time to step up my grooming habits on the off chance that I get laid in the near future. So I tried it out today. I accidentally put it on the lowest setting, so now I have pube stubble instead of my unruly bush. Not pretty. Ha, can't help but laugh at myself. Not only do I own a men's trimmer solely for the purpose of grooming my genital region, but I trimmed it way the fuck too short. Oops.

1:00 a.m. - 2014-02-10

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And in this moment, I am happy.

Friday night, RM hosted a witchy Valentine's party. We made love spells, held hands around a cauldron of dry ice. I made a spell to get me over BK, which is not complete because I'm supposed to bury it - waiting for the snow to melt so I can take it to a nature park. And I made a second for "new love", which I've been instructed to keep next to my bed. I've no idea if these are for real or not, but it was fun anyway.

Anyway, I found it ironic that immediately after doing a spell to rid myself of leftover feelings for BK, we went to the bar and he was there. Looking good. Damn good. Even with the stupidest beard and mustache I've ever seen him grow. Also there? AD. And my hot neighbors, and that guy DR who I exchanged numbers with who turned out to have a girlfriend. Yeah, that guy was kissing on his girlfriend and then looking at me. Okay.

It was hard seeing BK. I didn't talk to him that much. I'm still seriously attracted to him, as expected. I remember thinking, how natural it would feel to just lean in and kiss him, like nothing's changed in the last nine months, even though everything has. I suspect he might feel the same, at least about having residual desire for me. I look fuckin' good right now. Just cut my hair the other day, and it looks sexy. I'm already getting more attention when I go out.

So I've been sad. And I'm a goddamn idiot and keep watching Skins, because I just love to watch teenage love drama. Oh, true love, blah blah, it's so intense, we feel it so hard, nothing can stop us. But that isn't real.

But today I'm happy. I made good coffee today, ate good food, had a good night last night with KO at our favorite bar and grill. BK posted a Fiona Apple Unplugged video on his facebook, so that put me in a good mood. And SD posted that Beats Antique is coming to town... ON MY BIRTHDAY. I got so excited. So I've posted to my own timeline an invitation to whoever wants to go, and said I'll be afterpartying at the bars afterward. So now I'm listening to them, and I'm so happy at the moment. I've just gathered up supplies to make dreamcatchers at SD's weekly craft party, and I'm about to head out. At a time in my life when I am normally hopeless and lethargic and apathetic, thinking of suicide on a regular basis, these moments when I'm happy are especially important. I just had to take a moment to document it. I appreciate this moment.

4:39 p.m. - 2014-02-09

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