This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - JK and I have started saying "I love you." Too early, I think. I know I've said it's been popping into my thoughts lately, and I told him that, and a day later, he said it. And ever since, I've doubted myself when I say it to him, except for a couple of times when it felt more true. It just feels different than last time. I don't know how to explain it. I smile at him the same way I used to smile at BK. I feel happy and safe when I'm with him. He is wonderful, so nice and considerate. He's smart, funny, gentle, patient, and generous. I'm very attracted to him, we have amazing sex... I don't get why I'm having doubts. The only reasons I can think of, are that I'm still not all the way over BK, and that JK wants kids when I don't. I think the kids thing has me holding back, not looking at him as a long-term, forever kind of partner. As far as BK... I just haven't been able to fully let go of him yet. I find that I still care too much about what he's up to, wonder if he's with anyone. If I see an unfamiliar woman's name post anything on his facebook, I have to check out her page, try to find pictures of her, see if she has a relationship status listed or any kids in her photos so I can ease my mind. When he gets with someone new, it's going to mess me up. He's not helping lately, either. The day before my birthday, he posted a quote on facebook: "I choose to love you in silence, because in silence I find no rejection, and in silence no one owns you but me." No context for this was provided; all he had to say about it was, "Sadly, true." It has me wondering, is it about me, or someone else? LS or some mystery woman? If he loves this person "in secret", why is he seeking attention for it by posting that quote on facebook? Is it a hint to whatever woman it is that he loves? Why would he post that the day before my birthday? I want to ask him about it, but I know better. I did invite him to my birthday, and to my surprise, he was waiting with friends at the bar after the show. JK was with me. I'm sure he expected that, and they both acted cool toward each other. JK was mildly affectionate with me in front of him. BK seemed just a little bit glum, but I imagine it's really weird to see your ex with their new partner for the first time. Maybe I shouldn't have invited him. He's been on my mind a lot since I saw him. I think I've been on his, too. Not long after my birthday, he wrote me a message apologizing for doing what he does to ZB, meaning not getting in touch for long periods of time because he's in some kind of funk or something, or just because he can't handle the intimacy. So then after I replied, he followed up with approval for my new relationship with JK, and how we seem like we're having fun, and "what could I do but delight in it?" So, that made me feel really weird. I started crying, and I have been thinking about him a lot all week after reading that. And he didn't respond to my reply either (which he read the following day), so I'm right back in that cycle of waiting for his attention, which he doles out at his leisure. I unfollowed him on facebook so I don't have to see all his cryptic posts that hint about what's on his mind without him having to risk the intimacy of coming out and expressing his true thoughts, because I keep trying to interpret them and I can't handle the way it makes me feel. And I'm considering taking a drastic measure and asking him not to contact me, but I'm still thinking about that one. I don't want to have to cut him off completely, but I don't want him in my thoughts this often. I don't want to miss him. I have a good thing going with JK, and stuff like this interferes. I deserve someone like JK who treats me well, who loves me and does nice things for me, and spends time with me. One last, very superstitious measure, is going to sound pretty strange. Back in February, RM had a Valentine's party. We did love spells, and also had the option to do a spell to cast off a past love. I did one of each. You could say the love spell worked, if you're so inclined to believe in such things, or if you're a skeptic you could just say that JK and I were already planning to meet up and see what happened before the spell was even cast, and we just happened to be a good match. As far as the other spell, I have not done the last step. I'm supposed to bury it. It was too cold at the time, with snow on the ground. When it thawed out, I just kept putting it off. Maybe I wasn't ready to let him go, maybe I'm just lazy. Anyway, a while back, I got it in my head to wait to bury it, until the exact anniversary of when we broke up. Which is in two days. Maybe that date would have more "power" or something. Yes, I am really this superstitious. Even if it's all in my head, maybe it'll put my head in a different mindset to say a few last words over it and then bury it, as a symbolic gesture. So I'm going to take it to the nature park, cross some of the secret bridges in the trees (my own personal symbolism attached to the bridges), say a goodbye and some well wishes, and bury it somewhere discreet. In other news, I would like for my entire life to not be defined by which boys are in it. I would like to spend more time creating and learning thinking deeply and less time watching TV and playing games. I would like to be tougher, more able to bounce back when I get hurt, or even less likely to let someone hurt me in the first place. I would like to be more up to date on current events, to comprehend the news about those events, and to have my own opinions on them. And I would like to be more disciplined. So, these are all things I'm working on. Some days more so than others. I'm getting older, and it's making me think about life, and how I'm wasting mine, and how I'm not offering anything to the world. I don't like that about myself. 7:11 p.m. - 2014-04-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||