This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- . I unfriended BK on facebook just now. EH works with him and several of his friends now. This evening, he told me that a male friend of BK's said that he never physically cheated on me with LS, but he still did some really "sketchy" things when we were together. And that this friend thinks that even though he didn't do anything with her, it was because she shot him down. Which is what I always suspected. It made my stomach feel all tight to hear EH say these things. It's validating, because I fucking knew I was right, and I knew BK was manipulating me with his talk of "accusations" and "assumptions", but he just kept turning it around on me and making me feel crazy and possessive. And it hurt to hear it, too. Because I was right. Because he was done with me, and he was into her. As I write this I'm incredibly angry. He was so selfish to not just break it off. He knew I'd keep it going even though it was killing me. He couldn't be the bad guy. Still can't. Even though he apparently has some friend at work who disapproved of his "sketchy" actions, he tells other friends that he never had feelings for LS. Bull fucking shit. I remember the messages he wrote to her. A man doesn't write so intimately to a woman that he's not romantically interested in. He didn't even write like that to me, or talk to me so intimately. He let her in, and kept me in the dark. And he couldn't face me about it. Who knows how long he wanted to end our relationship, and instead he kept it going, I kept it going. We could have saved so much time. I wanted to die! I still want to die! I wasted an entire year pining for him. Because I broke up with him. Because I "threw it away" and then regretted it, wondered what could have been. I spent this last year hating myself, and I'm still not fully recovered, because he chose to bully me into breaking up with him instead of just ending it himself. He said he was afraid I'd kill myself if he broke up with me. But it was the endless uncertainty that wrecked me up so much. Ever since JK and I started saying "I love you," I've doubted it, because he wasn't BK. Because I still wished it could have worked out. Every time JK tells me he loves me, I feel guilt when I say I love him too. Because I don't think I do. I don't know. I don't know if I can love anyone anymore, in the way that I loved BK. At least not right now. So it's not to say that I don't love JK. It just feels so different. I remember the first time JK said it, he confessed the same feeling, sort of. He said that all the times before, it's felt like "fireworks", but this time it feels different for him. For me, the feeling I have come to equate with love has never been "fireworks". It's a feeling of calm, of relaxation, almost like water. I was feeling that, until we started saying "love" and then ever since, I've felt like I was telling a half-truth. It's sent me into another depression. I'm suicidal again. I kept thinking about BK, hating myself for it because JK's consistently treated me so well, and I was still pining for the abuser who held my mind hostage. Just seeing him downtown the other night when I was out with JK fucked me up for the whole evening. I pretended not to see him, and he either did the same or truly didn't see me. Either way, it was so weird, to pretend not to even see someone I used to love, and still do love in some mutated way. Oh, and EH said BK hooked me and JK up? That he's jealous, but he knew JK would be better for me. Which makes me feel WEIRD. I don't want him to have credit for me and JK! I don't want him to have any sway over my life anymore! I do remember MY quoting him as saying something like, "I'm not okay with ANS seeing most guys, but JK is about the only one I'd be okay with." At the time, that felt weird to hear, but I thought it was nice, like he knew JK could make me happy. But now that EH's saying he's taking credit for hooking us up, I just feel so fucking weird. So, what, he can't have me but he still has to have a say in who has me next? So, yeah. I'm done. I'm tired of this gut-wrenching sense of loss I've been feeling. I'm tired of wanting to die because I can never be what he wants, and I'm tired of wanting him. I'm still trying to work on wanting myself. It's great and all that JK wants me, that he loves me (and I believe him when he says it). But I have to want myself. So I'm just going to keep pushing, work on my knitting, crochet, jewelry, etc. Start seeing friends again. Try to keep this thing with JK going, and put my whole heart into it instead of being so tentative. I just need to do things that make me feel good. And I know I always say this, but this time I really do think I'll get on meds soon. 11:59 p.m. - 2014-06-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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