This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .. I do not get me. I have the most wonderful man, I have him, he's mine, acts like he can't believe he landed a woman so amazing as... me?? Really? He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, no drugs. He's got a well-paying job with benefits, a functional car, in decent shape, very attractive. More importantly, he treats me better than anyone else has ever even tried. He wants to spend time with me, tells me he misses me after a day apart. He's reliable, doesn't ditch me, treats me so respectfully, tells me how much he appreciates me, tells me nice things about myself all the time. And almost every time I tell him I love him, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt, because I feel like I'm forcing it. Something is just different with him. Maybe my memory's skewed after over a year, but when BK would touch me, not in a sexual way but just touching in general, his fingertips made my skin feel different. Warmer, hotter, even. Tingly, maybe. BK's skin had a similar effect on my own fingertips, too. With JK, I was feeling that at the beginning. I started thinking, this feels familiar. Started thinking "love" but as soon as we said it, I felt like I was lying. I don't come clean because I want it to be true. He is the best boyfriend I could ask for. So why the fuck do I find myself constantly thinking about someone who looked down on me, behaved as if he didn't care about the possibility of losing me, indeed, behaved as if he wouldn't even consider it a loss? Oh, BK's been sending me messages on facebook today, too. It started out as an inquiry about our previous rental history, contact information for landlords and management companies. No big deal, I don't mind hooking him up with that information. Then we chatted for a bit about his next living arrangements (he's moving in with AD, so my ex is moving in with my half-assed fling, because my life is a circus), and then he says thanks for helping. Says I've really made the whole process easier. He's off his "meds" (his word - Read: weed). He's anxious, depressed. So here I find myself telling him I've been the same. WHY? Why do I need to do that? I could have just not even responded to his other messages. Hearing from him is not helping. I go back and forth with myself over whether or not I should ask him to stop contacting me. It brings up all the old feelings. It makes me wish I was "good enough" for him. Makes me feel guilty that I'm even attempting a relationship with JK while I still think about BK all the time. And then another part of me, a rather sizable part, wants to ask him if we can meet to talk sometime. I want to tell him I heard mention of his "sketchy" behavior during our relationship, and ask him what really happened. Because it's eating me up. I just want to know. I want to ask him how he really felt when we broke up, if he really did want to break up or not. Tell him I read his message to LS, "ANS broke up with me on her own." And her response, "I figured you would have been the one to do it." I want to ask him why he stopped wanting me, and if, in hindsight, he considered the breakup any kind of loss. It's pointless. He'd just sugarcoat it, or flat out lie. And even if he was fully honest, it wouldn't magically seal the year-long rift between us. We wouldn't get back together, or if we did, it wouldn't last. He's not the same. Maybe I'm not either. I'm more closed off than I used to be. And he's... I don't even know. He posts shit online, quotes from various people or religious figures. "He who loves fifty people has fifty woes; he who loves no one has no woes." Someone replied, "What about he who has 50 hos?" BK said "Hos make woes." Sigh. Then he immediately followed up with another post: "He who does not trust enough will not be trusted." So... Don't love, because loving gets you hurt, but you need to trust people? I realize I'm doing the same thing to JK that BK did to me. I am staying in a relationship with someone who really loves me, when I'm feeling half-hearted and thinking about someone else. And that makes me feel like SHIT. But I think I really do love JK in some way, and I don't want to let him go. When I'm with him, all I do is laugh. 8:27 p.m. - 2014-06-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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