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How to be a person

I should be packing right now. I have a severe aversion to hard work. Fuck it, mild work, even. For the shortest periods of time. If I start packing, washing dishes, hanging laundry after it dries... I get tired. Immediately. Just, mentally fatigued or something.

I grew up so spoiled. Do you know that when I was a kid, for a very long time actually, I rarely drank water? I drank milk, Kool-Aid, lemonade, juice, and especially pop. My thought was, why drink water when it doesn't taste like anything? I was never made to eat food that I didn't like, save for canned peas, and only because I was at the babysitter's, not at home with my mom. I only did the chores that I liked to do when I was little, like cleaning the toilet (because I could pretend I was a witch stirring my cauldron) or waxing the furniture (because it would shine).

You can imagine that I learned to give up pretty quickly at the slightest hint of difficulty. Quit the gifted program a few days into it when I didn't understand the math, quit doing homework when I didn't understand it in middle school, and even worse in high school. Quit the volleyball camp in middle school when I hurt my thumb. And then I learned to just not even start in the first place.

I am not trying to tell a sob story here. I know I'm a piece of shit for being so lazy and defeatist when other people have to wash their clothes in the river, walk miles just to get to the market, spend all day working in the fields and spend all night taking care of the children. Or get straight A's in high school, college, law school, whatever. Work sixty hours a week and still have time to work out.

But it feels like a terrible strain for me to just slog through everyday life. Other people seem to do the little stuff on autopilot, with ease. Throughout the day I am constantly forcing myself to do things. Get out of bed, shower, get to work less than ten minutes late, stay on task and get one piece of work done in less than twenty minutes, don't get up constantly to go to the bathroom just because I'm bored. Go home, change the litterbox, cook dinner (Ha, right. No.), wash dishes, do laundry, work out or clean or pack or take my car to the shop or my cat to the vet's or go grocery shopping or pay bills. I feel like a failure because this stuff feels so difficult to me. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself, and yes I know that makes me a piece of shit.

I only seem to care about leisure, and one of these days it's going to kill me when I'm too soft to handle things when shit gets real.

7:42 p.m. - 2014-07-15

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