This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Suicidal ideation My friends are all leaving town. BS, SD, KC and I all went out Tuesday night to say goodbye to BS. Somehow I got really depressed. KC's already been living elsewhere for almost a year, and I knew BS was leaving. But now SD's talking about moving in with KC. So she'd be leaving town, too. I'm left with a very small support system, friends I'm not close with. I guess I'm not close with anyone, though, really. Oh, and MLS is moving out of town for nursing school, and BRS is moving out of state for college. So there go my sisters. And I guess I feel weird that KC and SD are suddenly so close? KC's been spending more time with her since she found out SD was treated for severe depression, and was suicidal and all. And I feel cheated. I've been that way, too. I didn't think it was okay to say so. I still don't. Now I feel like I'd be trying to steal SD's thunder? I was hoping SD and I could sort of support each other. I don't know, though. I just tell myself that everyone would get tired of my bullshit, so I don't seek out my friends. I wait for them to come to me, and it happens increasingly infrequently. I spent most of my work day yesterday working to keep from crying. I wanted to go find a bathroom stall or somewhere to let it out, but I knew it wouldn't stop, and I'd be all red-faced and gross looking, and people would know. I was thinking things like, "I wonder what the laws say about breaking a lease when your room mate kills herself?" I thought about how EH would have to find a new place fast, and how people would have to come collect all of my things from my current apartment since the lease is up in a week. I thought about what people would think, "I saw her last week and she seemed fine," or "I saw her at work today and it seemed like something was really wrong. But I just thought, she's always like that." Some people I haven't spoken to in days, weeks, months, and if I killed myself impulsively, those conversations, most of them likely trivial, would have been the last ones. Of course I am not going to do it, for those reasons and others. I give up on everything but being physically alive, it seems. The thoughts I was having yesterday scared me enough that I almost scheduled a doctor's appointment to get on meds immediately following my shift. I couldn't find my insurance card in my new wallet, though, so I decided to hold off. Found it just now, though. So that's something I should probably do soon. I spent most of yesterday afternoon and evening sleeping. I asked JK if I could come over because I felt like I should have someone around. And I felt better over there. We talked and laughed and cuddled and gave each other back rubs. I always feel better when I go over there. It's like my life outside that little studio apartment ceases to be real. I spend too much time over there, for that reason. I don't get much done. But it's nice to have that escape, even if I am using it as a crutch right now. Buh. I did say I'm moving in a week, didn't I? Time to stop procrastinating and pack. 7:18 p.m. - 2014-07-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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