This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So sane. I think a landscaper at work called me a bitch today. They were cussing and yelling at each other when I sat outside on my break. It caught me off guard, and I looked up. A big guy looked up in my direction, and I could swear I heard him say, "What are you fuckin' lookin' at, BITCH!" I should be offended, probably, but I found it more funny than offensive. Because that guy is an idiot, and means nothing to me, thus his assessment that I'm a bitch also means nothing to me. Thinking a lot about suicide today. As always, no plans to do it. Had a bad morning. It seems my tradition of crying on moving day once I'm settled into my new place has fallen by the wayside. Now the crying fit happens a few days later, in this case this morning. EH was hogging the bathroom this morning (since when does he wake before 10:00?) and when he finally got out, I couldn't get the shower to work. EH made it work last time, no problem. Said he just pulled down on the thing under the faucet and twisted it. I tried it, and nothing. I freaked out for a few minutes and yelled and cursed and slammed doors, even texted JK and told him I was going to go shower at his place and then immediately texted back and said never mind, I wouldn't have time. All this instead of just calmly drawing a bath like I should. Then I took the World's Angriest Bath in which I cried a lot, and physically assaulted my own head and body with my fists. I guess as punishment for being so openly angry with EH home to hear my inappropriate antics? Because I'm so goddamned fucking sane. I should win an award for how utterly sane I am. World's Sanest Bather. I would put the trophy on a shelf in my bathroom as a reminder of my triumphantly sane behavior this morning. It should be noted that I still clocked in at 8:00 sharp. Spent the day thinking that I'm a piece of shit because I did not respond to a minor inconvenience the way a normal person would. And also dwelling on all of JK's little comments that he's been making. There was the one about it being "weird" that I revel in my "evil past", and also calling my craft stuff "crap", and other comments about how much stuff I have, how I "fuss" a lot, etc. Having dealt with that for almost five years with BK, I'm not taking that again. Which is not to say that I don't want him to tell me when he has a problem with me. It's just that I want him to come out and tell me that he has a problem, instead of making "jokes" about whatever shortcomings he perceives in me. Whether he presents it as a frank, tactful discussion or as a "joke", I will still pick up on the criticism either way and still feel hurt by it, so I'll take the frank discussion over the passive aggression, thanks. I've called him out on it. I told him the other day that I don't like when he says that I "fuss" because it makes me feel put down. And last night when he made some other comment, I said, "You've been a little critical lately!" He seemed surprised and genuinely concerned and asked "I have?" and when I gave him a couple of the examples cited above, he apologized and gave me a hug. I said it was okay, because it is, because he doesn't mean anything by it. But I want us to keep it in check. I might need to expand on this conversation the next time I see him, tell him that I've been feeling very insecure lately and that if he's going to tell me about a problem that he has with me, I would like for him to do it in a serious, sensitive manner rather than trying to lighten the mood with the jokes. Honestly, I want to run. Every time I start to feel the slightest bit criticized, I want to jump ship. But it's normal for partners to air little complaints about each other now and then, it's going to happen. We're almost six months in, and the illusions are wearing off. My worry lately is that he's realizing that I'm not as great as I seemed at first. Yes, I'm funny, and a lot of fun to just fuck around with at home on any given evening. I'm also lazy, ignorant, immature, and very scared, with severely low self esteem. I kept trying to warn him that I wasn't as great as he was making me out to be. Sometimes I still wonder if he's really in love with me, or if I'm just... around. I wonder what he sees in me. For these reasons, I think about breaking up. He's great. He mostly has his shit together. More than almost everyone else I know, excluding KO and maybe MLS. He doesn't have their drive, but he's a responsible adult who keeps his promises. I'm not like that. I'm a mess lately. I'm too depressed and I hate myself and I hurt myself, don't take care of myself, in fact I need to be taken care of. He likes to take care of me right now. Makes him feel "chivalrous" or something. But after enough time, it will become a burden. I don't get things done because I'm with him all the time, and then he doesn't get things done either. I feel like a weight that he doesn't need. I don't know how to talk to him about this without doing what I did to BK, and actually becoming the weight that I fear I am. I find that I keep telling myself that I need to seek support from my loved ones in order to get better, but instead I just hole up inside my head. Especially after BK, I feel like I can't talk about it. I feel a lot of pressure to be "tough" and get better all by myself, but it's just not happening, and instead of getting better, I'm getting worse. 6:58 p.m. - 2014-08-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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