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Day 2 of Brain Repair

Lexapro is WEIRD. So fucking weird. Obviously it's going to take a couple of weeks to a month before I experience the benefit. The doctor and pharmacist told me as such. But the side effects have set in immediately. This is what I'm experiencing so far:

- I have this general disoriented feeling. Almost like I'm high (on "marijuana", as the nurse would call it), but not quite the same. It's sort of like the weird feeling I get on pseudophedrine. I remember getting this feeling from 5-HTP as well. Which I stopped taking because I didn't like this feeling.

- Smaller amounts of coffee than I usually consume are now causing physical anxiety symptoms. I can intellectualize these symptoms as being purely physical and mostly stave off any actual emotional anxiety. But I get that "tight ball of lead in my stomach" feeling all the same.

- Poor focus when reading text or watching a video. Seems confined so far to my computer screen. Maybe it's how bright it is, or the fact that I've been sitting at it all day, because I have yet to blossom into a functional adult at age 27.

- Sunlight seems brighter? Colors seem more vivid? Am I just imagining this? When I went to the store today, things seemed a little crisper. My relation to nearby objects seemed different in some way that I can't adequately explain. When I walked next to the building, the wall seemed so tall, like I was looking at it from really far down. The angle seemed different than usual, is the best way I can describe it. Honestly, the sky was beautiful, so blue, and the clouds so white and defined.

- I lose my focus while driving. Scary as fuck. I feel like my depth perception or reaction time is off or something? Again, i can't put my finger on exactly what feels wrong. It feels like driving on Sudafed. The label does warn not to drive until you know how Lexapro affects you. Knowing this might be a problem, I only drove a short distance and only when I was sure I could drive safely. But I had to stay extra vigilant. What if it always affects me like this, even after I've adjusted? I'm supposed to just stop driving? I guess I'd have to stop taking it.

-Confusion. I was supposed to pick out some fruit to bring to JK's sister's pool party. Just pre-cut fruit in those plastic containers. I kept picking up a container, putting it back, picking up one of a different size, putting it back, picking up the first one again. I realized this whole time that people watching probably thought I was on drugs. I feel like I'm on drugs. Fuck, I am on drugs.
I also had the most bizarre moment where I had pulled out my phone to send a text to JK, somehow accidentally ended up on my call history, saw the call to my therapist that I remembered making yesterday, along with an incoming call from a local area code. I swear that attached to this number I saw the word "Work". This confused the hell out of me. Had I called work on accident? Had they called me? I had no recollection of any missed calls yesterday. Why would work be calling me? They knew I had a scheduled vacation day. Did they not check the calendar? Was I being fired for a no-call, no-show?! When did I enter a contact simply named "Work"? The only one I could remember putting in my phone was "Work - Call in sick". I was so confused and alarmed by this, I decided to just put my phone back in my purse and deal with it when I got home. Then I walked around back and forth for a while because I forgot what I needed to do next - the fruit - the entire reason for coming to the store at all.
Upon arriving home and checking my call history again, it was not a missed call but one I had answered. It was not labeled "Work", in fact had no name attached. Then I remembered that the pharmacy had called when my prescription was ready for pickup. So that's what that call was. Definitely not work. So, this is alarming. Hopefully this confusion is temporary.

- Weird fucking dreams. First dream: I bought an old suitcase full of music at a yard sale from some guy. I show it to people, look at my cool suitcase, oh look there's all this music in it. I flip through all the music (CDs in weird, long cases like a DVD case, in these dividers that you can turn like pages), the colorful album art, rare 70s prog gems that I'm excited to listen to for the first time. Behind the last album are a bunch of old clothes, shirts mostly. I'm so excited, look at all this vintage clothing, I didn't know this was in there! I have found a treasure trove inside this old, beat up suitcase.
And that's when I notice the bugs. Sort of like june bugs, beetles, spiders, and ticks all rolled into one. Gross. Dead bugs, and some still alive, clinging to the clothes, and some on the suitcase. I figure, oh well, this is old, there's bound to be bugs. I'll take it outside and shake it out and clean everything off, wash all the clothes. I shut the suitcase and move it somewhere out of the way.
Then the bugs are on my bare legs (I'm wearing shorts). Just crawling all over them. They're more like spider-ticks now. Thankfully, not biting. I start freaking out, pawing at my legs, but there are so many bugs. I ask my grandma to help and she takes her sweet time, is doing something at the kitchen sink that she can not tear herself away from immediately. She seems to think I'm making the bugs out to be a bigger deal than they are. She tells me that they're just going to come back a second time when I go to clean out the suitcase. It comes off as patronizing and defeatist.

Second dream: My mother is Lucille Bluth, from Arrested development. We're on the patio (I guess at the Bluth house? Somewhere nicer than my parents' house). We're talking, maybe eating food or having drinks. She's going on about something, when there's a knock on the door. She looks back toward the door for a second, then turns back to me and continues talking. They knock again. She keeps talking without even looking. They start pounding. At that point, I actually woke up, convinced someone might be knocking for real. But by the time I got dressed and checked the door, there was no one there, so who knows?

So yeah, this stuff makes me feel weird. I feel normal right now, but what do you know, it's been about 24 hours since I took my first dose, so it's probably about to wear off. So in half an hour or so, I'll take another, and begin this whole feeling-weird-cycle anew, only this time I'll be going to a pool party out of town, surrounded by strangers and JK's family. Obviously it's going to go super well.

4:07 p.m. - 2014-08-29

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