This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Eh. So I've been on the meds for close to three weeks now. Seems like it should be longer. Hmm. Not much in the way of side effects to report. Very occasionally, probably because I had caffeine too late in the day, I have trouble falling asleep for an hour or two. I have weird, vivid dreams sometimes, but those are usually kind of cool. Like a bad, trippy movie that doesn't make sense, and sometimes I'm in the cast. I have noticed a lower libido, and even more difficulty orgasming than I already had. Still able to orgasm with a vibrator, though. It just feels so impersonal and mechanical if I have to do it that way with JK, though. I have noticed a decrease in suicidal ideation, which has been a relief. I'm generally more neutral. Honestly, most of the suicidal thoughts, bad days or nights, and really low self esteem seem to occur when I dwell on past stuff, mostly BK. Seeing him at RenFest really messed me up for about a week, which always happens. But then I spent this weekend with JK, and felt really affectionate toward him, and for the most part, was in a good mood. He mentioned that he's going through an identity crisis. He doesn't know what he wants. He might want to move out of town, even out of state, he said, but he doesn't know where he'd move. He mentioned that I don't know what I want, either, and that makes him nervous. So that's made me nervous now, too. I wonder how much he's doubting the relationship. I wonder how much the "no kids" thing bothers him. Sometimes I wonder if he would break up with me if he wasn't afraid I'd kill myself if faced with a breakup while I'm so depressed, but that's probably just leftover BK-related trust issues. I'm restless tonight. I want to make something but I don't know what. I just want to feel yarn or beads or something in my hands, and see all the colors I can put together. I never did finish EAS's baby blanket. I assume she hasn't had the baby yet, or I'd have heard something. I kind of don't think I'll bother finishing it. I need to stop making deadline projects for other people. I need to make some things that I really want to make. Rambling. Procrastinating, honestly, because I should do something productive, creative, but I'm ruminating instead because it's easier. 8:59 p.m. - 2014-09-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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