This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffffuck, it's the end of another year. I felt weird all day at work. Depressed and not liking myself and irritable. And recognizing that I have a bad attitude. New Year's Eve makes me think about the past. Which is stupid, because it's not called Old Year's Eve. I found myself thinking about all the stuff BK used to criticize me for, and how I don't feel like I've really grown much since then. If anything, maybe I've regressed. Probably, actually. Almost certainly. Anyway, I realized this evening that January two years ago is when things really started to go south rapidly - he was all preoccupied with LS, avoiding me, criticizing me, talking all this BS about personal growth and I was all insecure and trying desperately to convince him that I was worth staying with. So maybe that's why I've felt so weird lately. I hate this time of year. Too many memories, too many obligations, and it's too cold and dark to bother going outside. I don't want to go out with KO tonight. I want to stay in. I want to see JK. I feel really bad about making plans with her instead of asking him what he was up to first. We didn't get to spend Christmas together. I would like to be with him tonight. I want a kiss at midnight. I've never gotten to do that. I feel guilty for not being with him tonight. But she guilted me into it. I ditched her last year. And she played the "All my friends are out of town so I'll be alone on new year's" card again. JK said an old friend of his might be coming to town. I told him if they ended up going out, maybe they could meet up with us. I would really like to party with KO but still also see JK tonight. But either way I'm going to try to have fun. 5:53 p.m. - 2014-12-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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