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Fuck you, Dr. Asshole.

Recently I went in for a last-minute refill on my Lexapro prescription. Since it was a walk-in, and not scheduled, I had a different doctor. A weird, seemingly pervy old man who made a lot of uncomfortable jokes about my sexual side effects. He prescribed me Wellbutrin to combat the side effects. I went ahead and got some from the pharmacy, but haven't taken any yet.

I mentioned that another possible side effect of the Lexapro for me has been weight gain. Since August, I've gained fifteen pounds. Normally I fluctuate back and forth about five to ten pounds. Short term efforts to reduce calories, sugar, carbs, etc. and increase exercise (and I'm talking just walking more, nothing very serious) have usually done the trick to get my weight back down. Not anymore. I just keep gaining. I might lose two pounds only to find that the next week I've somehow jumped up another five. The Lexapro was helping with the depression and I was rarely getting suicidal thoughts anymore, but now I hate my body, and my sex drive is nothing like it used to be. I'm feeling hopeless again, undesirable, suicidal more often. The sex drive thing wasn't a dealbreaker. I miss my libido, but I was willing to make that tradeoff. The meds aren't really helping though, if I'm still depressed about my weight.

The doctor told me that if my body fat percentage increased by just two more percent, I would be "OBESE." He condescendingly told me how many calories are in a fucking snickers bar, or two cans of Coke. Yeah, I don't eat that shit. It's true that I've had issues with overeating sometimes. Honestly, since I've started gaining so fast, my sporadic efforts to restrict my eating have predictably resulted in few days of healthy eating followed by binge eating, followed by weight gain, followed by extreme guilt and panic at how big I'm getting, followed by another half-hearted attempt to eat healthy for like, a day, followed by "fuck it." Because i end up eating healthier when I'm not trying to lose weight. When I just go back to eating normally, I eat fruits, veggies, brown rice, etc. Yes, I have sweets, pasta, bread, etc. here and there, but I do limit those. I usually don't even keep unhealthy food in the apartment. For that doctor to try and tell me to just cut 250 calories out of my daily intake was incredibly insulting.

So, fine, let's fucking try it. First off, that motherfucker was wrong with his 250 calorie estimate. According to The Internetz, I have to stay around 1,400. Which is insane. Who the hell can only eat 1,400 calories? I am constantly hungry. Constantly pissed off. I went to the grocery store today and just felt sad. I got apples, oranges, broccoli, cauliflower. And as I picked up each of these items, I thought, apple, 80 calories, orange, 80 more calories, etc. I can't enjoy fruit anymore without thinking about my calorie limit. The three happiest moments for me today were when I went back over my list of everything I'd eaten, double-checked the calorie amounts, and found that I'd written down 160 instead of 120 for a fuji apple (I can eat 40 more calories than I'd thought!), 280 instead of 240 for a frozen meal (40 more calories, praise the lord!), and tallying up everything tonight and finding that I can still eat a little over 200 more calories before I go to sleep. How fucking depressing is that?

But oh, we're gonna prove this doctor wrong, even though I'm never actually going to see him again, and I'm already making plans to see a psychiatrist to sort out my meds instead of a general practitioner. I'm sticking with this godawful hunger I've imposed on myself, and I'm biking, and I'm walking, and I'm cursing at Youtube workout videos because they're going too fast and I can't figure out what the fuck they're actually doing, let along follow along. I'm doing this shit because I want to prove myself right, and if I'm wrong and I lose weight, well hey, awesome, now I know how to torture myself into being pretty, just like a real girl!

9:28 p.m. - 2015-05-01

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