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Hey did you know I have low self esteem, I never write about it or anything.

Well, I sprained my goddamn ankle walking home from work Monday night. Can't really get much exercise. Guess I'm staying fat for a while longer. YAY. GOD I LOVE MY FAT BODY SO MUCH, I JUST FEEL SO PRETTY AND WORTHY OF LOVE.

Ugh. I dread eating the most innocent foods. I still eat, and most of the time I go over my calorie limit. I'm still hungry all the goddamn time. I just made oatmeal a few minutes ago, and felt dismayed when I read the label and it said 150 calories. In good, wholesome oats. That's uncooked, without any milk or sugar added. I can't be hungry at work - I get too spacey. But at home, I try to distract myself with games, TV, projects, etc. so as to postpone my meals and snacks as long as possible. I need protein, but most of the protein-dense vegetarian foods are also the most calorie-dense.

I hate being hungry, and I hate that I'm doing it to myself... to be pretty? For who? JK already thinks I'm pretty. Is this really something as stupid as competing with KO? I'd never even win that, even if I put real effort into it. And even if I did somehow miraculously get as skinny and attractive as she apparently is, what for? So a bunch of creeps can hit on me at bars? Why is it so goddamn important for me to be pretty? I hate this fucking culture. I hate that I was born a girl. But then, I don't think I could hack it as a man, either. I'm definitely supposed to be a woman. I just hate that the culture I was born into has women so distracted with their looks and getting people to like them, that they can't like themselves.

So yeah... For some reason, for the first time in quite a while, I recently found myself creeping on BK's facebook page. I have done so a couple more times since. My self esteem has predictably plummeted. Not like it was really too high to begin with.

Even though it's been two years since we broke up, and over a year since I've been with JK, I still get weird when I see that a new pretty girl has friended BK. I think, well, they probably fucked, or he probably wants to fuck her, or they'll probably fuck eventually. Maybe they'll date. He'd be so pleased that he got someone so much hotter than me. Prettier face, better body. Someone he could show off. Maybe she's an artist, maybe she plays music, maybe she's an intellectual. I think about all the ways in which he would perceive her to be better than me, more "worth it" than I could ever be. And I begin to hate myself. (Begin?)

And when I get to thinking about the past with BK, I start to get super insecure about the present and future with JK. I start to wonder if he's only saying I'm pretty or that he doesn't even notice the weight gain to make me feel better. Honestly, I'm probably right about the weight gain part. But that is sweet nonetheless. But there's other stuff. I worry that he's only with me because he's too scared to be alone, or doesn't want to have to be the one to break it off, or is worried that I'll kill myself if he leaves me. I worry that he's bored with me, mentally unstimulated, lacking adventure, sexually unfulfilled. He's working late tonight. I worry that that's his cover for cheating on me. Basically, I worry that this is 2013, and that he's BK.

I try to tell myself, "Be good enough for yourself." I tell myself that JK is not BK. BK was emotionally abusive, quite possibly cheating on me (or trying and failing), he was disrespectful, dismissive, neglectful, basically willing to put almost anything before me. JK makes an effort to see me multiple times a week, despite our work schedules being so different. I could never have said that about BK - I feel like I spend more time with JK now than I did with BK back then, even though we lived together. JK is kind and considerate and thoughtful, empathetic and patient. Shit, instead of me feeling bad that BK might find someone "better" than me, he should feel bad about himself when compared to JK.

Hmm. I think I just made myself feel better.

I think, maybe I should stop looking at it as, "What if JK starts to think all the same bad things that BK started to think about me?" I think the real issue is that I still have low self esteem, that yes, my relationship with BK set me back years as far as developing a healthy self-image. And my self esteem was low to begin with, before I ever got with BK. The connection between the two men is not that JK will inevitably begin to view me the same way BK did, it's that I thought I wasn't good enough for BK, and I worry that I'm not good enough for JK, either. JK is an impressive man, for entirely different reasons than BK was. He's not a musician, not as charismatic, and he dresses like a dad. But he is a really, really good guy. I worry that I'm too selfish, too preoccupied with my stupid problems to be fully present in any relationship. But he seems to see something in me that he deems worthwhile. It doesn't feel like he's faking it. He's worth holding onto, so I will have work on ignoring my negative self-talk, and instead try to see in myself what he sees.

9:32 p.m. - 2015-05-06

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