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Phase 1 of moving: Complete. I am living in JK's old apartment until Friday. I guess Thursday night, we'll move the rest of my shit to JK's house and I'll stay there. I have to board the cats at the vet's office in the next town over, since I can't find a place in town that isn't booked up. Phase 1 has been hell. Super hot and humid, and I have so much stuff, even after significantly purging. I had to be out of my old place Saturday. Multiple days of carrying heavy boxes down my stairs, then back up for another load, lather, rinse, repeat - It had me so worn out, wanting to quit, I had to whisper to myself, "Keep going, keep going, keep going," as I made another trip up the stairs. Phase 2 will be getting all of my stuff from JK's place and my mom's basement, and moving it into my apartment. I expect it to take multiple days, but it always seems easier to move stuff in vs. out.

I'm losing it lately. Spent half the day at work wanting to cry. I'm suicidal. I keep thinking really bad thoughts about myself. I'm immature, bitchy, lazy, spoiled, fat and getting fatter. Et cetera. I think about BK and all the mean stuff he said about me, and all the things I feel guilty about doing wrong when we were together. I think about JK and how he seems to really love me, and I can't understand why, and I wonder how long it'll take before he gets tired of me like BK did. I've been bitchy lately. Not mean, just bitchy. Impatient and snappy and bossy. I'm exhausted and I'm broke. I fucking hate moving.

I feel like the only thing I can really do is to whisper "Keep going, keep going..." but I just want to quit. Just shut down, close the curtains, lie down on my mattress on the floor and sleep through work, sleep all evening, all night, indefinitely. But nope. Tomorrow I'll get up and call the gas company and try to convince them to transfer my service to my new place despite my past due balance, go to work, go pay my $300 pet deposit for my new place during my lunch break, keep going, keep going, keep going. At least I managed to get Wednesday off.

10:57 p.m. - 2015-07-27


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