This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So I went to a party tonight. Yeah. I dressed up last minute as a 90s grunge kid. I bought a flannel shirt from the little boys' section at Walmart and greased my hair up and everything. TWalk and her friend B who is really hot were with us and we went to a show, then a party. PF from work was there. It was the first time I actually had a conversation with him, only then LH said there was weed, only the guy with weed was outside, so I didn't smoke. I tried to have fun and I did some of the time, and it wasn't really terrible to be around all the strangers like I thought it would be. But I still couldn't shake the thought that I didn't belong there. I felt like everyone thought I wasn't having a good time, and like that made me an uptight loser. Plus, LH met a guy. It sucks. LH gets attention from guys when we go out. She's overweight, but still pretty. It's like, even overweight girls are more desirable than me. Really though, it's my fault for not socializing. Guys see that as cold and uninviting. Or something, I don't know. MD is passed out on the futon, and TWalk and B are sleeping on the couch. And it's like, everyone has someone. TWalk and B have each other even if it is casual, LH's got a new guy to crush on and make her feel good about herself, MD's got HB even if she's in Prague right now. I hate to admit it but I have a crush on MD. It's not usually so easy for me to get along with someone this early. Normally at this point I would say we were acquaintances, but I can actually call him a friend and mean it. He just seems to genuinely care about my well-being. I guess I'm just pretty lonely tonight. I don't know, it's like 5:00 am. I need to go to sleep. 5:05 a.m. - 2006-10-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is me. "A woman hates to stand in line in the grocery store because she's afraid that everyone is watching her. She knows that it's not really true, but she can't shake the feeling. While she is shopping, she is conscious of the fact that people might be staring at her from the big mirrors on the inside front of the ceiling. Now, she has to talk to the person who's checking out her groceries. She tries to smile, but her voice comes out weakly. She's sure she's making a fool of herself. Her self-consciousness and anxiety rise to the roof... Another person sits in front of the telephone and agonizes because she's afraid to pick up the receiver and make a call. She's even afraid to call an unknown person in a business office about the electric bill because she's afraid she'll be "putting someone out" and they will be upset with her. It's very hard for her to take rejection, even over the phone, even from someone she doesn't know. She's especially afraid to call people she does know because she feels that she'll be calling at the wrong time -- the other person will be busy -- and they won't want to talk with her. She feels rejected even before she makes the call. Once the call is made and over, she sits, analyzes, and ruminates about what was said, what tone it was said in, and how she was perceived by the other person....her anxiety and racing thoughts concerning the call prove to her that she "goofed" this conversation up, too, just like she always does. Sometimes she gets embarrassed just thinking about the call. A man finds it difficult to walk down the street because he's self-conscious and feels that people are watching him from their windows. Worse, he may run into a person on the sidewalk and be forced to say hello to them. He's not sure he can do that. His voice will catch, his "hello" will sound weak, and the other person will know he's frightened. More than anything else, he doesn't want anyone to know that he's afraid. He keeps his eyes safely away from anyone else's gaze and prays he can make it home without having to talk to anyone. A man hates to go to work because a meeting is scheduled the next day. He knows that these meetings always involve co-workers talking with each other about their current projects. Just the thought of speaking in front of co-workers raises his anxiety. Sometimes he can't sleep the night before because of the anticipatory anxiety that builds up. Finally, the meeting is over. A big wave of relief spills over him as he begins to relax. But the memory of the meeting is still uppermost in his mind. He is convinced he made a fool of himself and that everyone in the room saw how afraid he was when he spoke, and how stupid he acted in their presence. At next week's meeting, the boss is going to be there. Even though this meeting is seven days away, his stomach turns raw with anxiety and fear floods over him again. He knows that in front of the boss he'll stammer, hesitate, his face will turn red, he won't remember what to say, and everyone will witness his embarrassment and humiliation. He has seven miserable days of anxiety ahead of him -- to think about it, ruminate over it, worry about it, over-exaggerate it in his mind.......again and again and again..... A student won't attend her university classes on the first day because she knows that in some classes the professor will instruct them to go around the room and introduce themselves. Just thinking about sitting there, waiting to introduce herself to a roomful of strangers who will be staring at her makes her feel nauseous. She knows she won't be able to think clearly because her anxiety will be so high, and she is sure she will leave out important details. Her voice might even quiver and she will sound scared and tentative. The anxiety is just too much to bear---so she skips the first day of class to avoid the possibility of having to introduce herself in class. Another young man wants to go to parties and other social events---indeed, he is very, very lonely---but he never goes anywhere because he's very nervous about meeting new people. Too many people will be there and crowds only make things worse for him. The thought of meeting new people scares him---will he know what to say? Will they stare at him and make him feel even more insignificant? Will they reject him outright? Even if they seem nice, they're sure to notice his frozen look and his inability to fully smile. They'll sense his discomfort and tenseness and they won't like him --- there's just no way to win --- "I'm always going to be an outcast," he predicts. And he spends the night alone, at home, watching television again. He feels comfortable at home. In fact, home is the only place he does feel completely comfortable. He hasn't gone anywhere else in twelve years." Quoted from SocialPhobia.org. This is basically how I feel in all of the above situations. Especially the party scenario. I have PMS right now and it's not treating me well. I keep either feeling like I'm about to cry, or just rage. 10:06 p.m. - 2006-10-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I just can't let myself be happy. Pessimism is a useful quality to have most of the time. If you don't expect much, you might end up with a pleasant surprise, or at the very least, less disappointment than an optimist would feel. But it kind of ruins things for me sometimes. I'll be happy about something, then I'll remind myself that things are not usually as good as they seem, and something is probably going to happen to mess everything up. There is this new guy at work named PW. He is unreasonably good looking. Like, hands down the most conventionally attractive guy that's ever worked there. He's an R&B singer. He's pretty nice, and he acts like he's interested. Especially today. He noticed something was stuck in my hair after I put some stupid scarecrows outside, and he pulled it out himself, instead of just telling me where it was and letting me get it. And later he walked by me and poked me in the side. That counts as flirting, right? I don't even know anymore. And after he did the poking thing, which was really no big deal at all, but I never get touched so it was to me, I was actually happy for the first time in days. For about five minutes, I couldn't stop smiling. And then I realized, that is exactly how he wanted me to react. He wanted to make a boring, plain girl feel good about herself for a second. Guys like this know how girls like me function. He can sense that I have low self esteem and thinks that if an attractive, confident guy shows interest, I'll put out. He saw me smile at him the first day and could sense that I found him attractive, and figures I'll be an easy lay. It's just like RF, only PW is actually good looking. I mean seriously, there are so many girls who work there who are way cuter than me. He's a sexy R&B singer, girls love that. He could have pretty much any girl he wanted. Why would he be interested in me? But really, I do this to myself. If I acted like I thought I deserved a decent guy, maybe I'd be able to get one. Instead, guys see my lack of confidence and either see an easy lay, or a girl who really has a reason to not be confident. I am really starting to wonder if I'm going to live my whole life alone. 7:43 p.m. - 2006-10-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hooray. So ever since the other night I can't even enjoy masturbation anymore. I cried again in the shower tonight after I orgasmed. Because as fucking amazing as it feels, it's not the same as somebody holding onto me, sweating, panting, sucking on my neck and telling me how good I feel. It's not the same because afterwards, I've got nobody to collapse onto and kiss and cuddle with. Nobody to talk to until we fall asleep, and smile at me when I wake up. It's ridiculous that this is bothering me. I don't even like sex. Every time I've ever had sex, I never orgasmed. With masturbation, up until these last couple of days, I have been able to orgasm every time. But now every time I do it I just feel sad and cheated and disappointed. I can't even stand the idea of porn anymore. I opened up IE to go to one of my usual websites, and then I closed it. I tried to masturbate with just my imagination, thinking of past experiences like I usually do, and it just depressed me. I'm so goddamned lonely and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I even typed out a few long paragraphs about it to send to an advice website, and then I thought, nobody wants to read about this, and it will not get answered. I feel not just lonely and sad, but angry at my own helplessness. I need to look into therapy for real. 11:42 p.m. - 2006-10-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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