This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) Hey, I just realized that I have pretty low self esteem. Like, the last couple of weeks, I stopped caring about finding someone to date. And people are like, "That's good, once you stop caring about it that's when you find someone." But it's not that I don't care, it's just that I'm tired of trying. I don't even wear makeup anymore because there's no point. It doesn't really do me much good, it doesn't cover up any of my flaws, just kind of decorates them. Even if someone does happen to find me attractive, they can't seem to get past whatever issues I have. I am socially awkward, paranoid, painfully shy, and generally pretty obnoxious. Top it all off with harsh facial features, bad skin and hair that never looks decent, and a mediocre body. Who wants to date that? I am going to ask my mom if she and my dad can help pay for counseling, because I can get benefits now but I still wouldn't be able to afford the visits. I have so much shit that I just can't talk about with anyone except somebody who is basically paid to keep secrets and help me figure myself out. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm so goddamned lonely. It's like, I'll be hanging out with MD or LH and feeling great, and then LH will go to bed and MD will go home and all I can think about is how alone I am. 2:10 a.m. - 2006-11-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) Bleeeeh. Still sick. I'm thinking of staying home from work tomorrow. I decided I'm staying there for a while. It's kind of a bad idea to try to find work during the holiday season, and I don't even know what I want to do yet, so... I guess I'm stuck in retail for a little while longer. Christmas is approaching pretty rapidly. I have a lot of presents to knit: Pink scarf for BRS (almost done!) I have no idea what to get for MLS, my dad, AF, or my grandparents. Shit. 9:02 p.m. - 2006-11-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) I am sick and I have PMS at the same time. I am crazy when I have PMS. I felt like crying all day today at work. And I had a sore throat and my stomach hurt a little earlier, and now it hurts more. I puked once! I seriously feel so unbelievably depressed. Usually when I have PMS I'm angry, but every once in a while I just feel really hopeless and lonely and sad. Earlier I couldn't stop crying. At work I couldn't figure out why I felt that bad, and then I came home and looked at the calendar and it all made sense. I just can't even describe this. I don't know if other women feel just as bad as me during this time of the month, or if my case is worse, all I know is this feels fucking terrible and I want it to go away. 1:39 p.m. - 2006-11-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (No title) Hey, I blog too much. Today was a good day! I got super-ridiculous stoned last night (and had some more whip-its, which are sooooo good when you're high) and stayed up pretty late, and I didn't really have trouble getting out of bed this morning, didn't feel pissed off all day at work, and managed to be genuinely friendly to people! Also I saw my old seventh grade social studies teacher! She finally retired. It was cool to talk to her, I always liked her because all you had to do to distract her from the lesson plan was to ask her about one of the trips she'd taken to a foreign country. If you got her talking long enough, no homework! And later I'm... going grocery shopping? I don't really have anything to write about. I just feel pretty good today, and I guess I wanted to post something positive for a change. 8:24 p.m. - 2006-11-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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