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WOOOOOOOOOOO.

I am not pregnant.

11:48 p.m. - 2008-10-11

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Bleh

I still haven't gotten my period today. But I've got cramps though, including the really bad leg cramps that I usually get on the first day of my period, so I'm hopeful. I really don't want to have to consider the options, mostly because I pretty much already know which one I'd choose. But the leg cramps almost guarantee that I'm about to start, and so I'm not too worried.

Tonight I'm supposed to go to VH's Halloween party. I'm nervous. Some of my coworkers will be there, including EC, and if she sees me do anything weird or embarrassing while I'm drunk, she'll spread it around the office on Monday. But that's avoidable, I guess, I just won't drink much.

Mostly, I'm nervous about dressing up in costume. I wanted to wear last year's Daria costume but the skirt is too tight and too short for my liking. I've gained fifteen pounds in the last year. I already had chubby legs, but now they're just plain fat, with stretch marks around my thighs and knees. Plus I have the scars on my legs, and I just really don't want to have to deal with explaining those. I decided to go with a gothy vampire costume. I can wear a longer skirt and fishnets to cover my legs, and it gives me an excuse to wear my old goth clothes from high school again. I'm still nervous that I'll look stupid in the costume and my coworkers will talk about me, though.

7:12 p.m. - 2008-10-10

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Stressed out

Things have been stressful for the last few days. Three nights ago, after some mind-blowing sex, BK and I discovered that the condom had broken. Of course he had not pulled out. We rushed to the pharmacy to drop forty-five bucks on the morning after pill. I took it correctly, but I'm still worried. I was supposed to start my period yesterday or maybe the day before. But so far I've only had a little bit of spotting today, and that's not a guarantee that I'm not pregnant. I still have four days before a pregnancy test would give accurate results, and the anxiety is getting to me.

Also, two nights ago, actually three months to the date after BK and I started seeing each other, we had our first fight. I don't know if it was just PMS in full swing or the fucked up hormone levels from the Plan B, but I pretty much flipped out on him. He's been on a stand-up comedy kick and was watching comedians on TouTube. This guy made some really offensive racist jokes, and BK was laughing at them. I called him out on it, and he got all offended. He kept saying he's a cynic, not a racist. I still say that he makes some comments that could be construed racist, but he doesn't mean to. It's not like he discriminates against any group of people or anything, it's more like he makes observations. And when he voices these observations out loud, it comes out like he's making a generalization.

So I got really upset when I couldn't defend my arguments, like I always do. Even if I know I'm right, I can't defend myself in a debate because I'm so insecure. And he used that against me a little. I get the feeling sometimes that he thinks he's smarter than me. Okay, maybe he reads all the damn time, and yeah, I'm pretty ignorant. But he still lets some stupid shit come out of his mouth, and then he tries to hide behind the claim that he is a "cynic" and doesn't care if he offends anyone.

Anyway, I ended up just sobbing uncontrollably because at that point my confidence was shot and I think my hormones were freaking out. I was considering breaking up with him right then and there, but I stopped myself because I've learned never to make snap decisions when the PMDD kicks in. I was lying in bed and he came in to explain himself to me and apologize for hurting my feelings. Once I calmed down and understood his point of view, I was still mad, but come on, he's not a racist. He's just kind of a dick sometimes and talks bullshit for shock value. We're okay now, although I think it may have put a little dent in my attachment to him, and my trust in him. I hope that it's only temporary.

At this point I'm pretty sure I love him. I know he feels the same way, but we are both afraid to say it out loud. But he keeps mentioning how he thinks we'll be using "the L word" soon, which indicates to me that he already wants to say it. It's scary to think about. To me, admitting that I love someone romantically is like admitting that I was wrong all these years about love being a media-induced fantasy. Part of my still wants to be convinced that the only reason I want to be in love is because the movies made me want to be. And it's like, once it's out in the open, I feel like I'd have so much more to lose. Once I acknowledge that I love him, the idea of him abandoning me becomes more upsetting. But I don't think I can deny it much longer.

It is time to go get some fries and try to eat the stress away.

9:44 p.m. - 2008-10-09

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