This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yay, I'm fat again I do believe my seasonal depression is sneaking its way back into my life. Right on schedule. It always happens gradually, and when I finally see it for what it is, I'm already wrapped up in it. I'm doing what I can to fight it. Eating healthier, bike rides, walks (here and there...), and of course taking the meds every day. I've held off on therapy for a bit, to save money for the mini-vacation JK and I just took last week. Which was wonderful, by the way. S'mores (with vegan marshmallows!!) at the fire pit outside our cabin, canoeing down the river in 70 degree weather, two caves tours, a zipline ride, and some very, very good sex in the cabin. For the first time since I started taking the meds, I was able to climax with JK, without a vibrator! Unfortunately, we ate at several very good local restaurants, and every time we went out to eat I had dessert, and now I'm almost back up to my heaviest weight ever.My heaviest was 145, and right now I'm at about 140. And it's all gone to my belly. Oh, and I'm getting what my mom calls her "saddlebags": My thighs stick out farther than my hips. I'm even getting a muffin top, and a fat back. I feel disgusting. I'm so frustrated. I don't think I eat that poorly. I eat too many carbs sometimes, too many sweets, but otherwise I'm usually eating apples and celery and nuts and stuff. I don't even allow myself bread or potatoes very often. And if I slack for a couple of weeks, I gain five to ten pounds, and I'm never able to lose it except by accident somehow. And I hate living in a college town. I think it's giving me unrealistic expectations about what my body's supposed to look like. A large part of this town's population is 18-25, young and pretty and skinny, no matter how hard they party or how shitty they eat, or how often they exercise. And then there's KO, who is obsessed with fitness, subtly talks shit on others for not being as "healthy" as her, CONSTANTLY complains about "problems" such as "Damn it, my pants are too big again!" and "None of my clothes fit anymore!" And I don't know how to tell her it's hurting me. Ugh. Oh well. I'm trying really hard to eat better. But I'm also extremely lazy, which means I'm mostly eating apples. Because you don't have to cook them, and they require no dishes or silverware. I was going to whine a lot more about how bad I feel about myself and my weight, but fuck it. 7:38 p.m. - 2014-10-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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