This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.
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Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Heh. Not Cursive lyrics. Wow.
I talked to BC online today and she told me the reason we never got together this weekend is because her mom decided she should spend all her time learning to drive. Doesn't explain why she never attempted to contact me, but...whatever.
MLS was reading this Britney Spears...thing. And she saw this picture and freaked out, "OH MY GOD ANS, SHE HAS YOUR BRACELET!" Only it was one of those power bracelets everyone had in like, sixth grade. Which was probably about the time the little Britney Spears thing was written. The only reason I kept it was because it was black, and I liked the way it looked. I think I actually gave it to MLS and she gave it back to me because it was "ugly". So when she saw little miss Britney wearing it, she said "I want this!" Don't you just love the way the media molds children into perfect little clones? ^_^
Stupid children.
9:30 p.m. - 2003-11-16
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Let it burst and bloom
I really wish I could deal with anger. I can't do anything about it. MLS's being so vicious tonight. I hit her a couple of times, but not hard. I never hit her hard and she says I beat her. I want to beat her. I want to fucking beat her to a bloody pulp. I won't, though, I have too much control, so much control that I just end up crying every time this happens. So she thinks she won, she thinks she's hurt me, but that's not it at all. I'm just so angry and crying is the only way my body can even attempt to release it.
Even now she's sitting here humming and trying to sing, and she just sang the words "You got a problem with it?" This whole time I've been sitting here, I haven't looked at her once. She's just trying to start another fight. I can't do this anymore. I need some way to let this out.
And this is the only way I can do it without being just another pathetic, angsty teenager. Patch is the only person who reads this, and he doesn't seem to mind my dramatic little rants, so I guess it's safe to write it all down here. If I were to tell anyone at school, I'd just be whiny.
I just want to fucking throw her against the wall, bash her precious little head in. She always has to get in the last word, she always has to win the fight. She uses every word I say against me. Maybe if I could hurt her, really hurt her, she would get my point for once. But then I'd just feel guilty, wouldn't I?
Well, fuck her. I am not getting her a birthday present, and I'm not getting her a Christmas present. She's not getting shit from me. She wouldn't appreciate it. She never appreciates anything anyone does for her.
She says she's going to tell her teacher that we abuse her. Nobody in this family has ever used a fist on her. The most she ever gets is a swat from my mom, a slap from me, or the occasional kick from BRS. Nobody ever really hurts her.
Fucking let her say she's abused. I hope she gets put in foster care and I never have to look at her hateful little face again.
7:07 p.m. - 2003-11-15
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Who am I if I'm alone?
BC was supposed to call me over two hours ago. I guess she thought we were doing something tomorrow instead of today, because we already watched Final Destination last weekend but her mom wanted to watch it tonight. So...if she doesn't call me tomorrow, I'm going to be pissed.
My mom and sisters are playing this stupid game called Pig Mania. We've had it since I was little, maybe even since before I was born. I always loved it because there are these little pigs you throw like dice, and they're so cute. Only they're not cute right now because MLS, being the overcompetitive bad sport she is,is yelling and screaming anytime she doesn't get a lot of points.
What's the big deal with losing? You win sometimes, and when you don't, you lose. It's not like anyone would bet their life savings on a game of Pig Mania.
It is very cold in my house. Nobody else is cold. My mom thinks I have a fever. She did that thing where she kisses my forehead. How is kissing someone's forehead going to enable you to know if they have a fever? I do not have a fever.
8:11 p.m. - 2003-11-14
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Sink to the beat
Hey look everyone, ANS finally used some HTML!
Damn right I did.
Yeah, I did this at school during HTML. Most of it, anyway. The bell rang before I could finish.
Life is dandy today. Because it's Friday. I usually hate Fridays, because all my friends are smart enough to plan ahead, and I'm...not. Plus, Fridays are when my dad gets really drunk and comes home late and rambles for like, an hour. That gets kind of annoying.
But tonight, I have plans with BC! I've been talking to her a lot lately. Because she's awesome. We're going to watch Final Destination with her mom, who doesn't hate me anymore, thank you very much. So yeah... That should be fun, even though I've already seen Final Destination...and it's mad cheesy, yo. Heh. I'm so white.
Oh yeah...
Listen to Cursive.
4:42 p.m. - 2003-11-14
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