This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.
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I don't want to feel this overwhelming hostility.
My life is like one huge regret. Seriously. I'm constantly beating myself up over stupid things I've done or said, even things that go back to elementary school that nobody remembers. My biggest regret is dropping out of the gifted class in fourth grade. Just think of how much smarter I could be now, how advanced, how dedicated. Maybe I could be like BC, or at the very least, NS.
Who knows? Maybe it started even sooner than that. I could have skipped kindergarten entirely. I was ready for first grade by the time I was five. I could already read better than most first graders could.
But here I am, less then two years until I graduate with a bunch of C's and D's. I can't motivate myself. No matter what I do, I can't make myself do homework.
If I can't even bring myself to do homework, how am I going to get anywhere in real life? I doubt I'll ever find a real job, a career. At the very most I'll end up with some dead end desk job, like my mom.
And I can't go back and change it. If I could have stayed in that gifted class, who knows where I could be now? I could be a totally different person, dedicated, intelligent, happy... I could make my mother proud for once. Make myself proud. Make my friends jealous. It wouldn't matter that I'm not pretty, because I'd have brains.
But I've fucked everything up, and it's going to be really hard to fix it. I want to just drop out of school. But that would just make things harder later on, when I needed a good job. And for a second, just a second, suicide almost sounded like a good idea. Almost.
I don't know what to do. Nothing motivates me at all. My life is not going anywhere.
5:06 p.m. - 2003-12-15
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Give me one more medicated, peaceful moment
Today was a snow day. It was fun, because I got to sleep in and play Nintendo, and work on my website. I'd forgotten how much fun (and how frustrating) HTML can be.
While working on my website, I realized how crappy most of my dolls are. I really needed to learn how to shade. Which I guess I sort of have, now. So anyway, now I have a regular dolls page, and a crappy dolls page. If I remember correctly, there are more dolls on the crappy page than on the regular page.
My cat...rocks. Seriously. She always growls at MLS. And sometimes she randomly darts out of the room.
By the way, Patch rocks. He wrote me a poem. It rhymed. ^_^ So here's my attempt at a poem for Patch:
Patch, you are so very rad,
Not to mention a quite fetching lad.
Hey, did you know I suck at rhyming?
Maybe I should take up miming.
I love your shining, golden locks;
They make me want to grab your cock.
When we meet, I hope we fuck.
Seriously, my rhyming sucks.
I heart you Patch, and I'll say it again:
I heart you, now this is the end.
9:21 p.m. - 2003-12-10
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I fell asleep on my ARM!
Tonight was fun. They made an announcement at school that there was to be a tag game in the park at 6:30 tonight. NS and I went, as did a lot of other people, we found out. MR was there, and CJohnson, SherT, and a whole bunch of other people who I really don't feel like naming. There were probably close to twenty of us.
It was cold. And when I tried to breathe, tiny invisible ice knives stabbed my throat a thousand times. Running in the cold is a bad idea. Especially when you haven't had any real exercise in two years.
So I just kind of stopped after awhile and watched everyone. The guys humped each other a lot. And CJohnson groped me and NS quite a bit. I didn't really mind, much. I wouldn't have minded at all, except for it was CJohnson, and he's not exactly my favorite person.
Then NS lost her cell phone. We were all (and when I say all, I mean very few of us) helping her look for it. She found it after about twenty minutes, right next to the tennis court. I told her it would've gone faster if she was naked. She disagreed.
But hey, then we both flashed CJohnson. We were standing behind a car so people wouldn't see, but I think they might've seen anyway. Which doesn't really bother me, except people are going to call me a whore now. Whatever.
It's funny, I was in trig today, and NS mentioned something about JD, and ZB had to be nosy as always, and asked "Is JD your boyfriend?" I said he used to be, and he used to be pretty much everyone else's boyfriend too at one point. I made a joke that he was a whore. ZB asked if I'd had sex with JD, and I told him no, I was a virgin, and he just acted so surprised. I find it hilarious how people expect me to have lost my virginity by now, just because I'm open about my views on sex.
Of course, it could just be ZB. Last week, he asked if BC and I were lesbians, and I told him that we're bi, and we're just friends. Then a few days later, I was talking to BC in trig and ZB asked, "So, are you two official yet?" I said "I already told you we're just friends." ZB's weird.
I'm all happy about Thanksgiving break. No school. No chemistry, no trig, no morning choir, no American studies...No school. I'm so going to stay home all day and watch porn tomorrow. Because porn is the greatest thing ever. Especially lesbian porn. ^_^
Life is good right now.
9:15 p.m. - 2003-11-25
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Icicles hung down like prison bars
Haven't written in a couple of days, heh. Because the fucking school won't let me onto this site anymore. Now when I try to log in, it takes me to my school's dreaded Attempted Viewing of Inappropriate Materials page. Some teacher must've seen me typing, and gone into my history or something and reported it to the office. Which is just great, because if that is, in fact, the case, now a teacher has read my diary. At least I don't put too many personal feelings in here.
So today is Saturday. I'm supposed to get together with Nik today. I gave her my phone number and e-mail address. I figure she'll e-mail me rather than call me, because she's so shy and yeah, there's that communication problem we have. But she hasn't contacted me yet. I figure this'll be like most of my weekends, where I sort of make plans but then they get cancelled. No big deal.
I kind of want to get together with JBeg this weekend. I kind of don't, because my family would get in the way. Plus, it's that special time of the month when my vagina bleeds. >_<
But yeah, I've been thinking about him a lot. Mainly because I want to be held. And he's good at that. Really good. Yet there's something in the back of my mind that says it would never work. Maybe it's just because it's been so long since I've been in a relationship. Or it might be the distance. I don't like the distance.
I just need to be held, I think. If I could be held, everything I'm worried about would go away for a little while, my grades, my family, my teachers...All of it would just go away.
Well, I'm awfully dramatic today, aren't I?
11:51 a.m. - 2003-11-22
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