This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drained Haven't updated in a little while... Therapy is going okay. It's nice to have someone to talk to who doesn't try to talk me out of my emotions or accuse me of meaning something completely different than what I'm actually saying. BK and I got into another fight the other day. He got a job, so that's really great. But when I tried to turn up the alarm clock so that I wouldn't have to worry that he'd sleep through it, he accused me of "being patronizing". I tried to explain that I wasn't trying to patronize him, it was really just an expression of my high anxiety. When I'm anxious that something is going to happen, I take measures to prevent it from happening. It wasn't me saying "I don't believe that you're competent enough to wake up on your own," it was "I'm piss scared that the one time you don't wake up to the alarm will cause you to be late for work and get fired on your third day." He still didn't seem to believe me, even when we talked about it later. We both felt better after talking about it, but I don't know... I am fucking sick of these fights: Me: "I'm nervous/mad/hurt/offended!" I don't know... We had a really long talk after therapy on Wednesday, and normally if we can avoid becoming reactive and turning it into The Same Fight Part 2, I feel better. But today I'm still feeling like... What's the point? What am I gaining from this? And I'm not even really that attracted to him lately. He's lost weight again, and he looks sickly. He has the body of an adolescent boy who's just gone through his growth spurt: Six feet, two inches tall, but no meat on his bones. No muscle, and not even any fat. I still think he looks cute in the face, but his body isn't doing it for me. If I look at his body during sex, it turns me off. Not that I've been in the mood for sex much lately. We tried to yesterday, and I couldn't come, even with the vibrator. I don't know, lately I just feel like this relationship is draining me. 6:20 p.m. - 2010-10-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Eh I started therapy again. I should be able to afford biweekly sessions now, so I plan to stick with it. I have a pretty good feeling about this therapist. So far she's been encouraging without being pushy. She tried to do this weird knee tapping thing on me, though. I still don't quite understand what that was meant to accomplish... She didn't make me do it, though, because I told her I thought it was weird. So already I feel more at ease with her, because she doesn't try to make me do things. BK and I got into a pretty stupid fight this evening. I asked if he was going to ask his singer about the job she's trying to get him. He acted like it was her fault that he had no details on the job, because she hadn't contacted him. I told him it was really his responsibility to contact her, and he cut me off and started bitching about how everyone (including me) is "harping" on him to get this job. I tried to explain that I had only made the comment about responsibility because his singer already has a job. She doesn't need any information from BK. BK does not have a job, and needs this information from his singer in order to try to get this job. In short, it's his responsibility to ask for the information that he needs. He keeps saying, "She has my number, if she wants to talk she can call me." So he is going to sit around and wait for her to offer up any information? She might not even know he has questions! But, if you'll refer to my previous entry, you already know that my point is not valid. Can't be. Isn't possible, because it contradicts BK's point, and BK is always right, so there is no way my point could be valid. Whatever. For once, I kept my cool. I got a little nervous but I didn't cry or raise my voice or even use my panicky tone. He's the one who get all reactive this time, not me. I just told him why I was having a hard time understanding why he wasn't trying to get more information about a job he initially seemed very interested in applying for. He just kept accusing me of harping on him to get a job, lumping me in with his bandmates. I told him I wasn't attacking him and that in fact, I felt attacked due to his reactive nature. He will probably never admit it... But I actually won this fight. 9:54 p.m. - 2010-09-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why BK is so much smarter than you Hi, I'm BK. Allow me to take a moment to criticize the things that you like, and then almost immediately turn around and accuse you of putting words in my mouth when you accuse me of criticizing the things you like. Don't bother arguing or defending your position, either. My points are more valid than yours, because I state them more eloquently and with feigned emotional detachment. See, that's where you make your mistake, by getting emotionally attached to the subject. It allows me to assume that since you experience human emotion, you could not possibly have taken the time to analyze your own opinions. Your thoughts and beliefs are based on emotion, which, as we all know, is inferior to cold, hard fact. If you're having trouble understanding what I'm saying, "emotion" is defined as those irrational, illogical feelings that you were supposed to have grown out of upon reaching adulthood. Or so I'm told, as I've been trained not to recognize my own emotions and pretend that I never possessed the capability to experience emotion in the first place. In conclusion, you shouldn't like the things that you like, and also you shouldn't get mad when I tell you that. 6:06 p.m. - 2010-08-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Proud to be a Negative Nancy Yesterday, BK told me that at his show on Saturday, his (male) bassist had done something that upset his (female) singer, along with her boyfriend, for some reason. He wouldn't say what he did, and I'm not sure if he even knows. But he said he was really shaken up seeing her cry that hard. I told him that was natural to feel that way about a close friend, that he'd feel the same way if it were his mom or brother crying, or me. He completely shocked me when he said something along the lines of, "Yeah, but I handle it so much worse with you." I asked what he meant, and he said that with other women, he'd always just followed his dad's advice, that the only thing you can do when a woman is crying is hold her and stroke her hair, and listen until she gets it all out. Which is kind of sexist, because really that could apply to anyone, not just women. But anyway, he said he hadn't been doing that with me for some reason. "I keep trying to talk you out of it," he said. He said that he felt guilty, that he was perpetuating his dad's old pattern of dismissing his mom's emotions and concerns. It was such a relief to finally hear him admit it! I could sense it the whole time, but he reacted defensively when I tried to bring it up. Sometimes I came at him with accusations, but for a really long time, I tried to explain it in words that expressed my anxieties that he disapproved of or dismissed my emotions (anxieties which he often dismissed, by the way), and he still reacted defensively. I kissed him and told him how much I'd needed to hear him say that. And now I feel a lot better about things. It got me thinking today, about how many times throughout my life a friend, teacher, coworker, or boss has told me with disgust that I'm a pessimist. I still remember My fifth grade teacher Mrs R. spitting out the word as if it were poison. She'd pull me into the hallway to tell me about my "negative attitude" and why it made me a bad kid. She and countless others have told me that I only see the negative, I never see the positive, I'm a Debbie Downer, Negative Nancy, Paranoid Penelope. They'd tell me, look on the bright side! Count your blessings! Turn that frown upside down! Or my favorite: SMILE!!!!! accompanied by a huge, frightening grin. In high school NS and MB would tell me I had nothing to be sad about because they felt that their own lives were more depressing. In middle school, BethK would accuse me of "throwing a hissy fit" when we'd argue. The babysitter would tell me, "Crying won't help you any." Seems like everywhere I turned, someone was trying to talk me out of acknowledging that life sucks sometimes. So I was sitting at my desk thinking about all of this, and I finally found the exact words that I've been looking for to describe my mindset: Acknowledging the negative is NOT the same thing as ignoring the positive. In fact, it is a positive step in the right direction, to acknowledge that life is not always pleasant, and sometimes no amount of "positive thinking" can fix your problems. Forcing yourself to feel or appear happy all the time is not strength, it is delusion. Acknowledging that life sucks sometimes is not dwelling on the negative, it's accepting reality. So basically what I'm saying, is fuck all you guys who tried to tell me that I'm a bad person just because I won't fake a smile for you. 7:48 p.m. - 2010-08-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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