This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.
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Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
I am all alone this Friday evening. Everyone else is getting lots of rest for the ACT tomorrow morning. I didn't sign up in time to take it, which is fine because I don't want to take it anyway.
So I tried calling BC a few times and nobody answers. Which is a tremendous disappointment, because I haven't seen her in such a long time and I miss her. I thought maybe I could go over to her house and possibly spend the night... Last time I did that I had a blast, except for the part where her dad and stepmom were fighting and her stepmom was all drunk and upset. But they were drunk, so that's why it happened in the first place.
I'm feeling a little lonely tonight, and a lot bored. I want to make a doll but I really don't have the inspiration to do so. I can't even read; I finished the book I was reading today in seminar.
I wish I could think of something to do.
7:34 p.m. - 2004-04-02
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Butcher the song
I faked sick today. I just really didn't want to go to school. After everyone left, I remembered that today is April Fool's Day and thought, what a clever trick I have played.
I slept for another three or four hours and then wasted many more reading through the archives of P I X E L. This comic is brilliant in its simplicity. Also, I was really bored.
So bored, in fact, that I abandoned the computer for quite a while to play MLS's recorder. Now usually I hate the sound of that hunk of plastic, but I have to say it sounds pretty nice when I play it. Perhaps because I dabbled in recorder music for a short time in the fourth grade.
Having mastered "Hot Cross Buns", I decided I was ready to compose. I've come up with a lovely little melody that is yet unnamed. My cat seems to like it. Sometimes when I play it, she starts purring and meowing like she wants me to pet her. Maybe it's because she likes the song, or maybe she is jealous of my newfound love for the recorder and wants attention. Nevertheless, I am a musical genius.
5:38 p.m. - 2004-04-01
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Pretty vacant
Sometimes I want to hack my face off. I feel like it's costing me so many romantic opportunities. Then again, maybe it's just my personality.
So today precious little BK was chatting up a storm with Smith, ruffling his hair and whatnot. He'd never let me do that to him, half the time when I talk to him he acts like I'm an idiot or I'm some kind of freak. But when BK talks to him, it's funny, it's friendly, it's flirty. Know why?
Because she's pretty and I'm not. It's the simple truth. I can be just as nice and chipper and upbeat as BK, but because I'm ugly, it's not fun to talk to me, it's just awkward and creepy.
I'm tired of my face driving people away. My body probably isn't helping either. I always told myself it was because of my clothes or makeup or something like that, something I could change. I don't dress that weird anymore, although I do sneak in the occasional odd outfit sometimes. I'm more upbeat than I used to be (though lately I'm regressing, mostly due to frustration with society's refusal to accept me), and I like to think of myself as a generally friendly person, although a little shy. So it's got to be my face, right? My looks? If it's not that, then what is it?
It just doesn't seem fair. I just want people to like me, not to wrinkle their noses in disgust when I try to talk to them. I'm not asking for popularity, I just want a few of the cool people (and I mean people I think are cool, not the self-proclaimed popular kids) to like me.
I suppose this kind of attitude isn't helping. Perhaps if I stopped complaining, people would find it easier to get along with me. Then again, maybe they can't pull their heads out of their asses long enough to see that I'm a normal person just like them.
3:52 p.m. - 2004-03-29
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What did he say to make you so goddamn defiant?
I hate my sister. I want her dead. And I mean that.
2004-03-28 - 2004-03-28
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