This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.
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It's the pretty things that we're always breaking
I go back to school tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it! Especially since I'm stuck in Advanced Word Processing with a lovely little teacher who is known amongst students as Satan with Glasses. I am not joking, that's seriously what they call her.
Also, I didn't finish reading Lord of the Flies. So my English teacher will probably give us a pop quiz because that is the kind of person she is. But I should be okay because I think I have English on Monday, not tomorrow.
The only classes I'm really excited about are choir and psychology. Because singing and learning about crazy people are two of my favorite things! It kind of sucks though because the choir teacher is also the psychology teacher because we cannot afford to pay more teachers because we just suck that hard! And I don't like that teacher.
Anyway I have to go to bed even though it is like NINE FIFTY-FIVE. :(
9:55 p.m. - 2004-08-19
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Can he see or is he blind?
I totally went to Ozzfest on the tenth. I didn't get to see all the bands because DM had to work, but he left during his lunch break so we got there sometime during the middle of the day. It was awesome! But it was very hot and despite my efforts to stay pasty with 50 spf sunblock, I got a sunburn on my face and neck! Jerks!
After a while though it started to cool off, which I suppose was because it was about to rain! DN, Chelsey, Justin and I and about a million other people that we were supposed to know were all sitting close to the front of the lawn section. There were some other people in front of us leaning on the railing. I was looking at this guy in front of us but he was not looking at me but this other guy was! But I didn't think he was because he looked like a nice, possibly intelligent guy so I figured he would already have a girlfriend and so maybe he was just looking around because he was bored or he got separated from his friends.
Oh! Also there was this girl there who DM was into and she is bisexual! And I was sitting a little bit in front of Chelsey and the girl just came up behind me and sat down with her legs on either side of me and I was like "Nice to meet you?" o_O She was pretty high, I think. At one point she blew up a condom while she was sitting there! And it was funny! I found out later that Justin had told her to mess with me and I think that is also funny.
Anyway! I was talking about a guy! So he kept looking back at me and eventually he asked if I could see because stupid people were all standing in front of me because they were jerks. And I said I couldn't see but it didn't really matter but he moved over a little and I still couldn't see but I told him it was better because that is called being polite.
So I asked him his name and he said it was Jim and he is nineteen and lives in Blue Valley and that is sad. But we can still try to date a little, right? Anyway, so we were talking between sets and he seems very nice. It got really cold and so I went with Chelsey to buy a t-shirt but the one I wanted was $35 so I did not buy it! I went back and talked with Jim some more. Judas Priest played and we talked a little but mostly stayed quiet because it was hard to understand what we were saying. And I don't remember when everything happened, so bear with me here. I think Judas Priest had not finished when it started raining and he took off his shirt and let me wear it because I was cold. He had one of those wife beater things on so he said he'd be okay. It was very sweet of him though, to let me wear his shirt.
I was still cold though, so he suggested that I sit closer, which I did without hesitation, and he put his arm around me. After a while he started kissing my ear and then my neck and it was the most amazing feeling and I don't know how I've survived without that for over two years. He asked if it would be okay if he gave me a kiss, so I gave him a little peck and felt embarrassed because I am not very experienced with the whole kissing thing. I told him that and he said it was okay, and pretty soon he kissed me again only this time with tongue! And yeah, it was nice but it would have been nicer had I not been so self conscious, and had he not been a smoker.
Then he got the notion that I would not be as cold if I sat between his legs, and I disagreed but sat there anyway because it is fun to sit in between people's legs because that is where they keep their genitalia! That's when things started getting more interesting. When he wasn't holding my hands, he was rubbing my legs and my stomach and he kept kissing my ears and neck and I was getting pretty turned on. I know at one point while we were sitting like that he told me I had a very pretty face and I probably blushed but I am pretty sure my sunburn covered that up.
And then he asked if he could put his hands under my shirt, which I allowed. At first he only touched my stomach but he gradually worked his way up and pretty soon he was touching my breasts and I liked that. A lot. I was still cold so he suggested that I put my arms inside his shirt that I was wearing and I didn't at first but then I got colder, so I did. After a little while he put his hands inside the armholes of that shirt, and lifted up my other shirt so that my breasts were exposed under his t-shirt so he had better access. He said I had "nice tits" (I hate that word, ew ew ew) and asked if he could see them so I pulled the neckline of his t-shirt out a little so that he could see, and he seemed to like that. Hmm... So anyway, he is pretty good with his hands, I think. I enjoyed that a lot. He seemed to as well, because I'm pretty sure he had an erection at one point in time. Anyway, I am writing too much about this! Back to the concert!
So then Black Sabbath came on and they were amazing and I couldn't stop smiling because I was watching one of my favorite bands perform and being held by a nice, attractive young man. We had to leave early though, because Chelsey and Justin were cold, and we wanted to get out before everyone else so we wouldn't be stuck in traffic. So Jim and I walked down to the consession stand and asked for a pen and paper and the lady gave us a pencil but that is okay because it got the job done! We exchanged numbers, and I gave him his shirt back and we walked back over to my friends and I gave him a hug and a short kiss and he gave me another hug, and I left and it was sad but also happy!
The guys and Chelsey (especially Chelsey) were all teasing me because I let Jim feel me up, but I was proud of myself somehow because I've never done anything like that before, at a concert with a guy I just met. I felt accomplished! And I am pretty sure that was one of the greatest days of my life so far.
So I called Jim today, and we talked but it was kind of awkward because neither of us are phone people. But that is okay because first phone calls are supposed to be awkward. He is not religious, so that's a relief for me because I was worried maybe he'd think I was a bad person if he was religious and I told him I wasn't. And he's cool with me being bisexual, so that's good too. He had to go eat dinner after a little while, but he said he'd call me back. He didn't, but that's probably because I told him not to call after ten o'clock, because my parents get pissed off if people call after ten. So maybe I will call him tomorrow because he said he wasn't busy and maybe he can borrow his brother's car or something and come down here and pleasure me--I mean, see a movie!
Yeah so... It's like, 2:15 am now and I really should go back to my room and watch cartoons and not pleasure myself.
Goodnight.
2:15 a.m. - 2004-08-15
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I lost the will to fight
Well, I am back from California, and still alive as far as I know. Unless I am in some alternate reality where the dead think they are alive!!!
But probably I am just alive.
I am feeling sort of... I don't know how to describe it. I think it's a mixture of loneliness and low self esteem. Yeah, I was going to write all about it, but now I can't remember what I was planning on writing.
So I will probably just whine about how I'm not pretty. And how I can't seem to lose weight.
Also, I should probably whine about my friends not calling me all summer. Because I haven't whined about that in a while. But I can't really do that because I haven't called them either. Mostly because I don't think they want to hang out with me much.
Also, I cry too much.
11:58 p.m. - 2004-07-31
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I am frowning all the time
My aunt DB is in the hospital. She most likely has ovarian cancer. My mom says that's one of the hardest types of cancer to live through. DB hasn't been to see a doctor in years, so things aren't looking up. She's being transferred to KU Medical Center and they'll probably operate tomorrow. From the way my mom was talking, it sounds like there's a good chance she could die.
My mom is really worried, and so am I. KG, my aunt's girlfriend, is a mess. She's pregnant. If DB dies, she's left to raise the baby by herself.
I am kind of numb, I guess. It is very hard for me to accept the possibility of losing a loved one as reality.
I really can't think of anything else to say. So I suppose I'm finished with this entry.
10:10 p.m. - 2004-07-18
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