This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page.
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How does it feel to be loved?
Okay, so apparently I am not happy? It has taken me a while to figure that out, I guess. I am very dissatisfied with the way my life is turning out. I guess I'm just really stressed out, with school and my family and my lack of a social life.
Mostly, I guess I'm just lonely, and scared of the future. You know, I have never been able to picture myself moved out, with a job and friends and a steady, long-term boyfriend, or anything like that. I am totally irresponsible and I lack discipline and self control and ambition. I've never stuck with anything my entire life, I quit dance lessons, quit the gifted class, quit JD's band, never even started playing my bass, and I've all but given up on school. I know this is my fault, don't get me wrong, I am fully responsible for all my failures. I am just lazy and hate trying.
I'm getting weird around people. At school I guess I'm usually all right, but I don't talk to people much unless I know they're safe to talk to. But I can have a conversation with someone if they talk to me first, or if I know they'll be okay with me talking to them. But then when I come home I feel worn out and I don't want to be around anyone, I just want to have a couple of hours by myself.
And I hate when that time to myself is interrupted by someone from my family. When my dad comes home, I get really mad, especially if he turns on the TV because then I have to go back to my room to avoid losing my hearing. But today my mom was home because MLS was sick. I was so upset I cried, and I still don't even know why it bothered me that much. So now she thinks something happened at school or something but really I think I'm just tired.
And she makes me nervous. I always worry that she'll find something she doesn't approve of, in my room or on the computer or something, and she always nags me about my homework. I don't even hardly do English homework anymore because it always has to be typed and I don't want to ask her to get off the computer because she'll yell at me for not doing it before she got home. She doesn't seem to understand how important those couple of hours after school are to me. I know it's really selfish and irresponsible to use that as an excuse. I don't care.
So basically, I like to complain.
7:10 p.m. - 2005-02-16
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I got no emotions for anybody else.
Man, it's friggin' Valentine's Day. Jerks.
I do not like Valentine's Day, supposedly because it is all commercialized and not about love at all and things like that. Really though, it is probably because I am single and bitter.
English is overwhelming me. I have at least six late assignments and it is very hard to catch up and do the current homework as well, so mostly I just do a half-assed job on the current homework and then go to bed or watch cartoons. Parent teacher conferences are in three days and my mother is going to kill me, but I am pretty calm so far. Maybe if the teacher wouldn't give us so much friggin' homework I'd be more likely to do it, but then again, maybe not.
But I got an 85% in math! I think that is the highest grade I've had in math all year. It's higher than my math friend MelS's grade, which is a 79%, and that makes me feel special because she is a junior in a senior math class; that's how smart she is. So I guess I'm bragging.
I still have not talked to THam. I probably never will. Today during nutrition break, though, I was standing at my locker like I always do and he walked past me and he was like two inches away from me. I totally checked out his ass.
I wish Patch would sign on. He is probably out with Isis or something. I'm very happy for him, because he really seems a lot happier with her than he was with Sam or that Colleen girl he was with for a while. But I don't get to talk to him as much anymore and that is sad.
I am just lonely, I think. I need some more friends. NS gets back tomorrow night, though. So on Wednesday she'll be back at school and I will be happy about that. Right now though, I just need a hug.
Also I need to get laid.
7:35 p.m. - 2005-02-14
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Paint it black
I need to think of something to do to get back at MLS. She started another fight tonight, with all of us except my dad, who is at band practice or something. I don't feel like going into the details because it's the same thing over and over. She is currently in the family room cheerleading. She keeps doing the same cheer and every time, she makes her voice a little more annoying, trying to get a reaction out of me.
She is one of the only people who can get me this mad. I am at the point where my stomach hurts. This is rare, but it's been happening more often lately because of her. She went as far tonight as to say she's better than me. Fucking snob. I almost called her a bitch but of course, I am terrified of my mother finding out because I'm an idiot.
I guess other than the fight tonight, things have been going okay. I'm failing English again, because I haven't been doing the stupid reading logs she's assigned. I'm reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and I am supposed to do a journal entry type thing every Friday, for ten Fridays. It's pointless. When I'm reading a book, I don't want to stop and write about how the chapter made me feel or analyze a character or whatever. I want to read the book. I've already finished it anyway, and we've only turned in five reading logs. Other than that, I think I'm doing okay in school. But because of that F in English, I may not be able to go on the Fashion and Design field trip on Wednesday. Hopefully my English teacher will not contact my Fashion teacher, who is willing to overlook one bad grade.
I still have not talked to THam. On Tuesday, the third, he sat at my lunch table. Only the art teacher made us go to first lunch instead of third. NS came in during third lunch and told me about it and I almost cried. I would have, had I not been at school. Plus it's kind of stupid to cry over someone I've never actually met. So I thought maybe he would sit there again, and I could ask the teacher if we could go to third lunch, explain my situation because he would definitely understand. He ended up sending us to third anyway before I ever talked to him, but Tim did not sit at our table. I almost cried again but then that really would have been stupid.
He has been looking at me a lot though, more obviously than before. I think maybe next week I'll talk to him. That's a lie, though. I'll never talk to him. I'm too much of a fucking pussy. This is just how it was with ST. Even after I met her I couldn't talk to her.
Also, NS is in Arizona until the fifteenth. She went down there on Friday for her boyfriend's birthday. Which I think is ridiculous because she's going to miss so much school. I'm really only irritated because now I have to have AH drive me to and from school. She definitely doesn't want to do it. I can understand why. I'm basically just using her for a ride, and that's wrong. I wish we were still friends, but she obviously doesn't. We haven't gone out since the summer, if I remember correctly. There was that one time in August or September when we went to the soccer game, but that was only so we could go to HBrat's surprise party afterward. I guess I should consider myself lucky that she even invited me to HBrat's party.
So anyway, I am bitter and feeling sorry for myself and I am a bad person and I don't care. I needed to get this out.
10:02 p.m. - 2005-02-05
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Can you help me occupy my brain?
So hey, you know how my parents are in a bitter, loveless sham of a marriage? Well today in Psychology this guy named KM told me something very interesting. Apparantly KM's mother reported to him that my father hits on her at the bar, and has even tried to get her to come home with him. To which she responded, "Aren't you married?"
YES. YOU. FUCKING. ARE.
I have long suspected that he's cheated on my mother, and it's quite possible that she's cheated on him. But why wouldn't she? He is a disgusting, nasty old drunk. My mom, on the other hand, is still very pretty, still thin, and looks much younger than a lot of women her age. And she's nice and generous and she is a good person, and sure she has a few flaws, but she doesn't deserve this.
And I remember once several years ago, when my dad came home intoxicated, and my mom said he smelled like perfume, which was absolutely true. He told her some woman at the bar had hugged him or something and was flirting with him, but he let her know he was married. My mom believed it, but he still kept acting like she didn't, and he got really defensive.
I am pretty sure they aren't having sex anymore. They pretty much hate each other. My dad sleeps on the couch almost every night. They never seem happy to be around each other; they only argue and fight when they actually talk. And plus, like I said, my dad is fat and greasy and disgusting. So it's only logical that they'd satisfy their needs elsewhere.
So why don't they get a divorce? Even when I was in elementary school I wanted them to divorce. It's so fucking stupid. I think they're staying together for us kids, but we all know they don't love each other. And that's worse, growing up with an almost constant conflict in the house. It really upsets kids, especially younger children like BRS. If he could just move out, we could all get on with our lives and I think we'd be happier, especially my mom.
That's what really upsets me. I don't understand how he could do this to her. You'd think he'd be grateful to be married to a woman like her. I mean, who else would take him? But he calls her stupid all the time, and I hear him cuss her out when he thinks I'm out of earshot. I always tell my mom, "You shouldn't let him talk to you like that," and she never says anything.
She just deserves better, and I don't understand why she she won't get him out of her life. It's really upsetting. I want to tell her what KM told me, but I don't know if it's true, even though it's definitely believable. And if he has cheated on her, she probably already knows. I guess I'm going to keep quiet about this, but it feels so wrong.
3:32 p.m. - 2005-01-12
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