This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dermatillomania I am pretty sure I have this disorder, or whatever you might call it. I pop zits all the time, mostly on my shoulders, and I enjoy doing it, and I always have, and I never knew there was a name for it. I feel hideous because of it. I need to talk to either a dermatologist, or a psychologist, probably both. I kind of feel better knowing that a lot of people do this, but at the same time just thinking about it is depressing. I have not been able to wear anything without sleeves in almost five years. But these sites I've been browsing, they say it's almost like a form of OCD. Which makes sense, I guess, because I have some weird things I feel like I have to do sometimes. I don't have OCD or anything, but I guess I would be more likely to have it than some people? If that makes sense. Anyway, the descriptions on these sites are just like me. Trance-like state, doing it during periods of inactivity (before bed, home alone after work, etc.), sense of satisfaction. A lot of skin pickers pull hair too. And I do that. Not clumps, but I pluck, one by one. I love the way it feels. I don't do that nearly as much, and I don't feel compelled, really, but that usually leads to zit picking, or sometimes I do it as a substitute because I don't want any more marks on my shoulders. I want to stop. I'm going to do some research on how. I am so tired of looking like this. It makes me want to cry. It's why I turn the light off during sex, among other reasons, it's why I don't go swimming during the day, it's why I haven't been able to wear a tank top since freshman year. I don't want to look like this anymore. 10:42 p.m. - 2006-02-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some idiot made a survey. So of course I took it. I guess you have to highlight it because I'm too lazy to look up the code for font color in tables.
1:30 a.m. - 2006-01-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey, fuck you, everybody. First off, I want to say a big, loud, fuck you to all you cheating guys out there. And to all you guys who verbally and even physically abuse your girlfriends and wives, and you guys who ignore and don't call even though you promised you would, and basically treat women like crap. And fuck you for judging all women so harshly on how they look, including what their pussy looks like, I mean WHAT THE FUCK? I also want to say fuck you to all those girls who brag about how happy you are with your new man, right in front of two girls who both just had nasty breakups with neglecting boyfriends and just want to forget about men for a while, but you can't let them do that, you have to remind them how nice it is to wake up next to someone in the morning who begs you NOT TO TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER so you can stay in bed with them for a few more minutes. And fuck you, MLS, for just being a total bitch, and not caring about anyone's feelings, and intentionally trying to piss off BRS and throw her into a hissy fit so she gets in trouble, not you. Fuck NS for never returning my calls. Fuck society for requiring a college education to get any halfway decent job ever. Fuck JBeg for not fucking me. Fuck DBeck for having a girlfriend when I'm finally single, and a stripper, at that. Fuck everyone at the Underground for only replying to certain people's posts, and only giving comments on pretty people's pictures, and never giving other dollers a chance because all the talented artists just cannot resist a good base contest, an excuse to show off the skills everybody already knew they had. Fuck good bands that have shitty singers. Fuck BK for getting the attention of every guy in high school and acting like she fucking deserved it, and after all the guys are head over heels for her, she still manages to pick the biggest douchebag in the class. And while we're at it, fuck AH for totally ignoring me senior year, because I wasn't cool enough to be seen with anymore. Fuck Valentine's Day. Fuck a whole bunch of other things that I can't remember right now, and fuck me too. 6:13 p.m. - 2006-01-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My life So I will be honest. I guess I'm not entirely happy with my life right now. I am going to make some changes. I am going to try not to be so lazy, stop dating jerks, eat healthier, and most importantly, work on not worrying so much. I mean, seriously, why do I get so worried about everything? A speeding ticket is not going to kill me. Doing something stupid in public and getting embarrassed is not going to kill me. My mom getting pissed off at me is not going to kill me. So why do I worry about shit like that? I really need to focus on getting less nervous and uptight, especially about social things, and going out in public. I mean, I don't do anything. I don't go bowling because it's embarrassing, I don't dance because it's embarrassing, I don't shoot pool because I don't know how, I don't try anything new because I'm afraid I'll look stupid. I have no life because I'm afraid people will see me and think I'm a loser, but really, I'm a loser if I just stay home all the time, right? I'm thinking maybe I need to try some sort of anxiety medication, but I don't know. I can't really afford that and I have no benefits from work. Oh yeah, I broke up with RF on Sunday, so almost a week ago. He cheated on me with Katie, and denied it even though Katie told me herself. So I am done with dating, and I think I'll just fool around with a couple of guys for a while. I went to JBeg's last night. Tried a few new things. He put his finger in my ass, and I didn't like it so he stopped. It felt really good on the outside, just not the inside, which is pretty much what I expected. So now hopefully he'll stop bugging me about anal sex. And then I gave him head. It was weird because he had plastic wrap over it, because we'd already used some lube and it tasted disgusting. I guess I kind of enjoyed doing it. I don't know why I was so nervous about it. Judging from his reaction, I did a decent job. I hate to admit it though, but fooling around with RF was a lot better. We just had more sexual chemistry, I guess. He knew what to do to get me going, like he tailored his moves to me, whereas it seems like JBeg probably does the same things to every girl he fools around with. And JBeg doesn't kiss half as much as RF did when we'd fool around, and there's no passion in it. I mean don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, but I miss fooling around with RF. It was so intense. It is so wrong for me to even consider this, because of what he did to me, but I wish I could just keep RF as a fuck buddy. Man, I am feeling pretty depressed right now. I think I'm done with this entry. 12:57 p.m. - 2006-01-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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