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Relationship survey.

I know I just finished posting a new entry, but I found another survey and you know I can't resist a good survey. Or a shitty one, for that matter.

1) Single, Taken, or Crushin?
Single, crushing on about any guy who doesn't treat me like some disgusting troll.

2) Are you happy with where you are?
No. I'm pretty lonely.

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
Don't know, haven't met the right person. I have fallen fast for the wrong people, however.

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
The heart is an organ that pumps blood. If it broke, I would die. So no.

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is acceptable?
If it's an open relationship and both partners agree on it, but I guess then it wouldn't really be cheating. Some people might still consider it that, though.

6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
No. No no no.

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person?
I've talked about how I hate the very idea of it.

8) Do you want children?
No.

9) How many?
NONE.

10) Would you consider adoption?
If I decided later in life that I wanted a child, I would consider adopting.

11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think a cool way to let you know would be?
Man just telling me would be cool. I hate that "Does he like me, or is he just being nice?" kind of uncertainty I get with guys.

12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
I think I'm actually too easy. I don't want to play hard to get, but maybe I need to stop appearing so eager. Even though I am.

13) Be honest, do you play the "game" when you are dating?
What game?

14) Do you believe love at first sight exists?
I don't even know if I believe in romantic love. So no.

15) Are you romantic?
Not really. I just want to be with somebody, not do stupid things like horseback riding on the beach, and candle-lit picnics.

16) Do you believe that you can change someone?
Not necessarily change, but influence. But it's not usually an intentional thing, unless you're a really manipulative person or they are easily influenced. I don't think personality changes are a conscious thing. I think something has to happen to you before you change the way you think. It's not a decision anyone can make for themselves.

17) If you could get married anywhere, money not an object, where would you get married?
I don't want to get married. If I did, it wouldn't be about spending my life with the person, because you can do that without a marriage license or ceremony. It would be about spousal benefits. I wouldn't want a big wedding, and I wouldn't want it in a church. Maybe outdoors.

19) Do you easily give in when you are fighting?
I ignore things that irritate me when I'm in a relationship, because it's usually not worth fighting over. Even when it's something that really pisses me off, like for instance, RF being both a homophobe and racist. I should have ended that relationship as soon as I heard him talking like that. I think the only major fight I ever had with a boyfriend was over the phone, the night I found out RF cheated on me, and I broke up with him immediately after confirming that he cheated.

20) Do you have feelings for someone right now?
Not feelings, just crushes on a few people.

21) Have you ever wished you could've had someone but you cant?
Yes, for so many people.

22.) Have you ever broken a heart?
I don't think so.

24.) Would you ever fight somebody over your significant other?
I don't fight physically. I'm too much of a pussy, and I don't even know how to properly punch someone in the face. I don't usually fight verbally either because I get so worked up I can't get the words out right.

25.)What would you say about your last ex?
He's the only one who ever really hurt me. I wasn't with him for long, but while I was I was very happy with him. I didn't see it coming but I should have. He was by far the best at fooling around out of all the guys I've dated. It was always very intense. It's a shame that we had such good sexual chemistry but the relationship couldn't continue because he was such a dick. He is a compulsive liar. He told me he used to be in a satanic cult, that he'd seen dead bodies and not reported them to the police so as not to cause trouble. I still think about him all the time, mostly just because I miss the physical part of the relationship, and how sweet he was to me even though it was all an act. I guess I'm just sad that he wasn't really what he pretended to be. I don't have feelings for him anymore, I just wish he really would have been the good boyfriend he played the role of.

12:38 a.m. - 2006-05-26

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Adulthood and money

First, a survey. In psychology we learned about how sometimes surveys aren't accurate because there are people who enjoy taking surveys. I am one of those people, but I would be truthful, as long as it was anonymous.

1) My ex is.... Depends which one we're talking about.

Bo: Weird, lots of psychological issues, but a good guy for the most part.

JD: My best friend.

CJohnson: Cocky to mask insecurity, but a good guy. Very intelligent. Also a perv, but in a comical way.

DMark: A total creep, most likely a pedophile, and totally obsessed with his mother. The original cheating bastard.

RF: Cheating bastard part two, only this time it hurt. Very charismatic, seems like a great guy until you realize nothing he says is true.

2) Maybe I should.... Lose some weight. Start exercising. Shower more. Do laundry. Clean my room. Move out.

3) I love.... My mom, my sister, my cat, my grandparents, my aunts.

4) I don't understand..... Anything. Politics, world issues, math, the adult world, paying bills, banks, why we do the things we do day in and day out without questioning.

5) I lost my.... paycheck but then I found it today in my car.

6) People say that I'm .... Awkward, funny, nice, weird, shy.

7) Sex is.... Disappointing.

8) Love is.... A nice feeling, I suppose. I don't know, I don't usually feel it very strongly except for those I feel like I have a responsibility to care for, like my sister and my cat.

9) Somewhere.... Someone else is filling out this exact same survey, feeling stupid for doing so.

10) I will always.... I don't have an answer to that. I can't see into the future.

11) Forever is....This is a stupid question.

12) I never want to.... Eat meat again.

13) I think the current President is.... Fucking everything up for this country and other countries. A complete moron. Power-hungry and greedy.

14) When I wake up in the morning I.... Force myself to get up by 7:50, if I have to work. If not, what the hell am I doing awake in the morning?

15) Life is full of.... People who don't even realize that they're surrounded by other people. They go to the store and there are fifty other people there, and they don't acknowledge them. When they do, they treat them like machines, not human beings.

16) My past.... Is something I need to stop dwelling on. I've had it pretty good. Stupid little things that embarrassed me when I was in elementary school should not have an effect on me today. Still though, had my past been different, I'd be different, and as many problems I have with self esteem, I really don't want to be too different from what I am now.

17) I get annoyed when.... People act like being lazy makes me a bad person. Or when people treat others like shit for no reason. When JD talks about "steak drapes". When people think they're better than me because they're in college.

18) I wish.... I had a significant other. I had the confidence to sing in a band. I were prettier.

19) My dog/s.... Have all been dead since I was a kid. I have a cat now.

20) Tomorrow I'm going to.... Work, then maybe the bank, then home to knit.

22) If I had a million dollars I would.... Buy a house, donate some to charity, get a hybrid car, buy a bunch of CDs.

23) Sometimes I want to.... Just keep driving and pass the exit to my town, and leave everything behind and start a new, exciting life somewhere across the country. But I like it here, and I can't imagine leaving my family.

Anyway. I got my checking account the other day, and made my first car payment ever today. I don't like this. Being an adult has fewer advantages than disadvantages. Sure, you get to go out when you want and pretty much do anything that isn't against the law. You have freedom, but I don't even have that because I'm stuck somewhere in between, still much closer to the adolescent side than the adult side.

When you're an adult everything revolves around money. You go to work every day and do the same thing so that you can get paid. You spend almost your entire paycheck on things like rent, utilities, car payments, groceries, and gas. You have almost no money left so you have to go back to work to make some more. Basically, as an adult, you're free to do whatever you want, but you're bound by money and time.

I have about twelve dollars cash right now. Which doesn't bother me, I just have to not spend it all before I cash my paychecks. I had more money, but I spent about sixteen dollars on the Knifty Knitter long loom set so I can make blankets and things like that. Maybe I'll try a sweater. But i digress. (I had to look that word up a while back in the dictionary to make sure if I ever used it, I'd use it correctly) After car payments and getting the title or whatever, I'll have less than a thousand dollars to my name. I really need to save so that I can find my own place.

I've been thinking about moving a lot lately. I don't think I want a room mate. This means I'll have to save up for even longer because I won't have help with rent. But I don't like living with people. Some of the best moments I have are when there's nobody else around. I get to relax and not worry about other people catching me doing something embarrassing or yelling at me for doing something they don't approve of. I can be as messy as I want in my own place because it's mine and nobody else's. And I don't really understand why, but it is much easier for me to force myself to take a shower when nobody else is home, and it's the same with doing laundry. I don't usually do laundry until I have some time to myself.

It's not that I don't like being around people. I love being around people, I just don't want to live with them. I value my time to myself a lot more than I think most people do.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I need to stop going off on tangents.

11:49 p.m. - 2006-05-25

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Survey, worrying, people

So Far In 2006...

1. Have you had a gf/bf?
Yes.

2. Have you had your birthday?
Yes. Nineteen!

3. Been to church?
No.

4. Cried yet?
Like a million times.

5. Had someone close to you passed away?:
No.

6. Pulled an all nighter?:
No.

7. Drank starbucks?:
No. But I did actually enjoy a sip of coffee once!

8. Went shopping?:
Yes.

9. Been Camping?
No.

10. Been to the beach?
No.

11. Bought something for over $200?
I bought a frickin' car.

12. Met someone new?
Yes, several new people.

13. Been out of your home state?
Yes, just yesterday I was in Missouri.

15. Gone snowboarding?
Never done that ever.

[[In the past month...]]

1. Kissed someone?:
My cat?

2. Slept in a friend's bed:
Haven't done that in years.

3. Snuck someone over?:
Not technically, but I kept someone in the house way longer than he was supposed to be there.

4. Snuck out of your own house?
No.

5. Been to a bar?:
Yes.

7. Bought a car?
Yes.

8. Gone over your cell phone bill?
No, my mom handles that.

9. Been called a whore?
No, you have to be gettin' some to be a whore.

10. Drove somewhere?
Driven, and DUH. I bought a CAR.

11. Done something you regret?
Thousands of tiny things, a few big things.

[[Lasts...]]

Thing you bought?
$17 worth of gas.

Person you hugged?:
My youngest sister.

Person to call you?
My mom.

Text messaged inbox/outbox?
KH I think.

When was the last time you felt stupid?
Constantly, anytime I talk to someone.

When was the last time you walked/ran over a mile?
I don't know. I walk a lot at work, never measured how much though.

Who was the last person who saw you cry?
My youngest sister.

Who was the last person who made you cry?
Kansas City made me cry for making me get lost.

Last person who you watch a movie with?
My sisters and their friends, and my mom.

Who last told you they loved you?
Either my mom or my sister.

Who makes you smile most?
Lots of people make me smile.

What are you listening to right now?
The air conditioner humming, keys clacking, my cat breathing.

What did you do yesterday?
Went to a show at a warehouse with my sister (her first show too!) and saw three awesome bands, then got tremendously lost in Kansas City, Missouri.

Song that's stuck in your head right now:
Don't remember the name, the Sidewise song with the weird keyboard part.

Hugs or kisses?:
Man I'd be happy to get either.

Do you think your ex misses you?
Probably not, considering almost half of my exes have cheated on me.

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now. Hopeless, I guess. People are kind of getting to me. Like, not any specific people, just the lack of people in my life, and my interactions with people, and people's perceptions of me.

A recurring theme in my worries is everyone at work secretly thinking I'm a loser, or stupid, or annoying. I've been talking to this guy DW, and he seems pretty cool. I'm not going to say I like him, because really, I don't know what I think about that kind of stuff right now. I guess I'm pretty much mildly attracted to every available guy who isn't a total dick to me, so whatever. But I'm not really into him. I just like talking to him. He seems to enjoy talking to me too, but who knows if he's just putting up with me? He's really nice and wouldn't intentionally be mean to someone who wasn't asking for it.

I don't know, I worry about this kind of stuff a lot. It's the same with Rach. I'm pretty sure Rach thinks I'm a loser. She pretty much called me lazy today, but tried to play it off like she was joking. But there's almost always a little bit of honesty and seriousness in everyone's jokes, unless it's something totally absurd, like telling a girl who weighs ninety pounds that she needs to lose weight or something like that.

And now that I'm not the new girl anymore, people are talking to me about other people behind their backs, and I just wonder how much people say about me. I guess MM told everyone about the vending machine guy. I don't know exactly what she told them. I don't know if she said I like him, or he likes me, or "Oh my god ANS's so stupid, she thinks the vending machine guy likes her, how desperate." To tell the truth, I'm really not too interested in the guy. He seems like he'd probably be a loser. I was just really happy that someone might have actually been into me.

10:00 p.m. - 2006-05-22

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Freaking out, I guess

I have slowly been realizing how unhappy I am with my life. I don't really have any meaningful relationships, except maybe JD. KH and I are friends, but it's like, we don't really care about each other, we just hang out sometimes. We're basically using each other so that we can have something to do.

And I've been thinking a lot about college. If you talk to most people, they'll say things that pretty much imply that people who don't go to college are not as valuable to society. They think those people are lazy and stupid. And they don't think it's discriminatory that college graduates get paid more than people who are more qualified for a job than them, because "they deserve recognition for all the time and effort they put into college."

I do not want to go to college. I can't stand the idea of it. Spending a huge amount of money to learn things that I won't remember, to fail tests, to be around a bunch of people who think I'm stupid, to study a subject I won't use at all after I graduate because I am going to end up at a shitty office job just like everyone else.

But I feel like I'm missing out on something huge. Almost everyone I graduated with is in college. I just don't understand how they can all jump into it so easily. Not just college, but adulthood. I can't do anything for myself. Yesterday I went to Lawrence to find a bank and open up a checking account. I chickened out and just drove home. I didn't even try because I was so afraid I'd say something stupid and whoever I talked to at the bank would think I was an idiot. I don't know how banks work. I still don't go through the drive-through when I cash my paycheck because I don't know the whole process.

I don't understand anything about being an adult. I feel like if I ask, people will treat me like I'm stupid. I'm nineteen. I should have been doing these things three years ago. I'm a child.

Like I said, I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do about anything.

11:30 p.m. - 2006-05-19

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