This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Damn. So I realized a minute ago that I haven't thought about suicide in the past three or four days. Until a minute ago, that is. What the hell am I doing? I'm high again, and I just made an ass of myself on the phone with JBen. He wanted me to come over and play Katamari with him and CP. If it was just JBen I could handle it, but for whatever reason, I'm attracted to CP, and I just can't be around him when I'm stoned. So I mumbled some excuse about needing to take a shower but I had to wait until ES was gone because she needed the bathroom before she left for work. It's true but it sounds made up, and I stumbled all over my words when I was trying to explain it. He had to have known that I was stoned yet again. I set my alarm for 7:30 so that I could take a shower early this evening. When the alarm went off, I shut it off and went back to what I was doing. And now I have to wait for ES to leave so that I'm not the bitchy room mate who hogs the bathroom. She leaves at ten, that means I won't be ready to go over there until about eleven because I have to blowdry and straighten my hair. I am ignoring all of my responsibilities, even the most necessary ones like bathing and sleeping. All I do is go to work, come home, get stoned, and then hide from everyone because I'm too out of it to have a normal conversation. I'm just retreating further into my shell, shutting everyone else out on accident. 9:13 p.m. - 2007-08-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I can't get enough Ever since the other night with JBeg, my libido has been insane. I keep thinking about that night, even daydreaming about it at work. I'm not having as much trouble making eye contact with guys. Even the blonde one who's been looking at me lately. Especially the blonde one, actually. I want him, I'm not really sure why, but I am really attracted to him. His looks are only a little above average. I think it's not so much the way he looks that I find attractive, it's the way he looks at me. He's not obvious about it, but he's not apologetic about it either. I fantasize about him sometimes, imagining dangerous situations like doing it in a supply closet or an empty conference room, or even in a bathroom stall on a weekend when not many people were at work. I masturbated in the handicapped stall in the downstairs bathroom today. It was such a thrill. It only took me a few minutes. The orgasm was intense. I think I might be different than I used to be. 7:35 p.m. - 2007-08-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- About last night So hey, if you're a kid or if you find sex offensive for some reason, don't read this entry. I shouldn't have to say this because I have warnings all over this blog, but judging by what happened with my last blog, from now on I should just assume that everyone on the internet is an idiot. As planned, JBeg came over last night. I gave him a half-assed tour of the apartment, we talked and flirted in the living room for a couple of minutes, and then we went into the bedroom. I was nervous and I said something about this being the awkward part before we start making out. And he said, "There's not going to be an awkward part," and he pushed me down and kissed me. We made out for a while and I ended up on top of him. I took off my shirt and he unhooked my bra, and pulled me down and whispered in my ear, "I want to fuck you... Is that okay?" And I said yes. I went down on him for a while first. He seemed to really enjoy it. He even moaned. I'm not self conscious about giving head anymore, in fact I enjoy it. It's such a turn-on to know that I am capable of giving another person such intense pleasure. He went down on me and fingered me briefly. Usually the lack of foreplay would frustrate me, but I was so turned on that I didn't really need much warming up. Soon I was on top of him again, and he was kissing me and biting my neck and sucking on my nipples. It was so much better than I expected it to be. I'd had so many disappointing experiences that I just wasn't getting my hopes up about sex anymore. But JBeg is not afraid to do the things I like, and I'm not afraid to ask him to. He held me down and pulled me hair, he dragged his fingernails across my skin and bit my neck, and he spanked me. It wasn't as painful and forceful as with JBen, but it still felt amazing. While I was on top of him, he put his finger in my ass. And I actually liked it. And I surprised him, surprised myself even, by agreeing to try anal sex. It hurt. A lot. Which I expected. I tolerated it as long as I could, and he was close to coming, but I had to make him stop. He seemed genuinely concerned. He scolded me and said, "Don't put up with it!" But I wanted to put up with it, because I wanted to get used to it. I want to learn to enjoy it. I don't want to limit my options in bed anymore. He removed the condom and I gave him head. He moaned and praised me the whole time I was doing it. He was rock hard. It was so hot. A lot of women see it as degrading for a woman to get down on her knees and take a man into her mouth. But unless the man is being forceful and pushing my head farther down, I find it empowering to have control over the sensations he feels, and whether or not he comes. And JBeg loved it. He said was actually holding back because he wanted it to keep going as long as possible, but he also said he was tempted to come in my mouth because he didn't want to pull out. He came on my chest. He practically went into convulsions. I'd never seen a guy do that in person, only in porn. It was actually really hot. Once he was finished, we cleaned ourselves off and then we cuddled and talked. He told me he can't orgasm with just anyone. He told me I was beautiful and sexy. He said he liked sex with me because I actually enjoyed it and was willing to try new things. We talked about how a lot of women treat sex like a chore and don't really try to enjoy it for themselves, and how unfortunate that was, for both men and women. He stayed the night. We fell asleep spooning. It was nice. I love that feeling, falling asleep with someone, even if he doesn't have any romantic interest in me and we're just using each other for sex, I feel so safe. I know that we're just fuck buddies, and we're not even really friends, but I can tell that he's still protective of me. At work today I couldn't stop smiling. I felt sexy and confident. I was bold enough to make eye contact with the blonde guy who's been looking at me several times, and even smile. In the break room there was a very cute guy in a black t-shirt and I kept glancing at him unapologetically, and every single time, he was looking back at me. 8:26 p.m. - 2007-08-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Holy crap. So last night I was over at MD and HB's hanging out with the usual group of people, and I got a text message from JBeg. He said to call him, so I did when I went home, and after a bit of small talk, he suggested that he should come visit me tonight. He said he had some stuff to do tonight but he'd call me afterwards. I'm excited but I'm nervous. I have very fond memories of fooling around with him. He's one of the only guys I've messed around with who wasn't afraid to do the things I like. And he's pretty patient with me when I'm feeling nervous or hesitant to try something new. The only thing I don't like is that he always tries to get me to do anal. I've never done it before, and until recently I've been completely disgusted by the idea, but lately, I don't know. I'm kind of intrigued. Still a bit too grossed out to go through with it, though. RH's having a party tonight and I had planned on going, but now I don't know. I was going to get a ride with MD and HB and just get baked out of my mind, but now I don't think that'll work since I'll have to leave early to hang out with JBeg. I can deal with finding RH's place on my own since this is a pretty easy town to navigate, but I can not drive home stoned. I've been thinking a lot about my pot use lately. I am trying not to do it as often. I was doing it like twice every day, and lately I've realized that it's really interfering with stuff. My mom will call and I'll have to call her back the next day because I'm too high to talk. And I have to decline invitations sometimes because I'm too fucked up to even function around other people. Last night JBen called and asked if he and CP could come hang out with us at MD and HB's, and I told him I was too stoned to be around CP because I didn't know him and I knew he wouldn't be smoking. He got pretty pissed and thought I was just making an excuse, and that I was actually mad at him for something he'd done. But I was telling the truth. I would have been mortified if CP had seen me all fucked up and acting all stupid. Gah, I shouldn't even be blogging, I need to clean my room and take a shower before JBeg gets here. 6:50 p.m. - 2007-08-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||