This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Funny story Want to hear a funny story about how stupid I am when I'm smoking? I tried to log in several times, and the login screen just kept reloading. I logged into my old account to see if it would work or if the site was just down temporarily. I logged into it just fine. I was freaking out, thinking that my diary had been deleted. I even checked my e-mail to see if Diaryland had sent me a message telling me they had deleted it, or changed my password or something. And then I realized, duh, "melon" is spelled with one L not two. Just say no, kids. 4:54 p.m. - 2007-09-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- About the party So I don't know why it is so hard for me to socialize. At the party I barely talked to any new people, and when I did talk I just ended up making myself look crazy. I tried to drink so that I could loosen up, and I drank like half a beer and had to go into the bathroom and throw it all up. It wasn't nearly enough to get me drunk, but still apparently enough to make me puke. How the fuck can people drink beer? It is so disgusting. But I digress. So the party was split between the regular group of stoner friends that I hang out with, and JBen's other friends, and a couple of CP's friends too. The stoners were all hanging out on the couches and playing Katamari, and the rest of the people were doing the things you are supposed to do at a party, drinking, talking to other people, etc. So for some reason they made pancakes? BK decided he'd like to smoke before the pancakes, and others agreed, so a bunch of us went into JBen's room and smoked. MD and LH were acting ridiculous. It's kind of embarrassing to be around them when we smoke because they both just act like children and they're really incoherent. I try to act as normal as possible when I'm stoned so as not to annoy anyone else around me. Sometimes I even get so obsessed with not being obnoxious that I end up not talking at all. That's pretty much what happened tonight. It was still fun, but I felt bad for ignoring JBen at his own party. There was just no way I was going to be able to handle talking to new people tonight. Especially without a few drinks in me first. It sucks because I'm not usually comfortable socializing without being a little tipsy, but I can't even drink half a beer without puking. I just want to be able to talk to people. 1:39 a.m. - 2007-09-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whatever I should be in the shower right now, getting ready for JBen's party tonight. I guess I will just have to be fashionably late. I don't know how well this party's going to turn out. He's such a drama queen sometimes. I don't know what his deal is. Last night I was at MD and HB's, watching Pete and Pete. He called and asked if I wanted to come over and hang out with him and CG and CP, and I said I would since HB was getting tired and I thought MD had gone to bed. Well, as soon as I got off the phone with him, MD came out of the bathroom (I swear he was in there for fifteen minutes) and announced that he wasn't going to bed and was hoping we could smoke. So I called JBen and asked if they wanted to come over to MD and HB's instead, and he said that was fine. Then a few minutes later he called back saying they still weren't sure if they wanted to, and then he said, "Well, maybe we should just wait and hang out tomorrow." And I said, "Okay, if you want to wait that's fine," and then he decided that they were going to come over after all. What? So then they came over, and CG was all excited to see that we were watching Pete and Pete, but JBen and CP both seemed like they weren't too excited to be there. I'm pretty sure they dragged CP over, but JBen wanted to hang out. We watched some more Pete and Pete, and played Katamari for a while, and the whole time JBen was quiet and sulky and brooding. And then he kept mumbling that he was thinking about going home, and eventually started asking CP if he wanted to go home, and of course he agreed because he didn't want to come over in the first place. CG had driven, apparently, and didn't want to leave yet, but they pretty much begged him to drive them home. Why did he bother calling me if he didn't want to hang out? I think he was disappointed that I didn't go over to his place. If it was such a big deal to him, he didn't have to come over to MD and HB's and sulk the whole time. Normally when someone behaves this way, I just stop hanging around them. But even though he is a flaky, overdramatic attention whore, I care a lot about JBen and I want to be there for him and make sure he's doing okay. To the point that I do stuff for him that I wouldn't normally do for other people, like paying him back for my sandwich last night even though he still owes me like $20 for all the food I bought him. It's like we have this weird bond now because of our history. We still kind of talk to each other in that hushed, couple-y tone sometimes, and we still nag each other. But neither of us want to try again for a romantic relationship. So we're left with this kind weird overly-intimate friendship. Hey, look at me, rambling on again when I should be taking a shower. 8:30 p.m. - 2007-09-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Welcome back, PMS After last month's PMS symptoms were so mild, I guess I wasn't too worried about it. But the other night I was hating myself again, and it's just gotten worse from there. I couldn't figure out how I could be feeling so much more confident and then the next day, back to normal, if you can call this normal. And then I looked at the calendar, and hey, turns out I'm getting my period in less than a week. I took Billy to the vet this morning to get him neutered, and then came back home and slept until 2:30. I got more than twelve hours of sleep. And right now it's not even twenty till midnight, and I'm exhausted. I've felt pretty depressed all day. A lot of it's probably because I feel guilty about Billy. I mean, he has no say in this. I had him cut open without his consent. All so that he wouldn't spray all over my property and to stop him from being so hyper. Altering your cat's personality for your own convenience? Cutting off his balls to protect your material possessions? How's that fair? I know it's something that every good pet owner is supposed to do, but I still feel guilty. I also have this overwhelming need for physical attention tonight. I guess I'm still getting used to not having JBen around to cuddle with, even though it's been a month since we stopped messing around and pretending we were a couple. I guess when the other JBeg stayed over and held onto me the other night, it kind of reminded me how good it feels. I want that feeling back. But I really don't see it happening again for a long time. 11:34 p.m. - 2007-08-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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