This blog often contains uncomfortable subject matter and occasional sexual content. If you don't want to read about it, empower yourself to close the page. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My brain is all fuzzy Last night was pretty cool. HB's friend Sab had a little party at her apartment. I don't know her that well, but she's smoked with us a few times and I think she's pretty cool. I almost didn't go because I didn't feel like being around a large group of people, but she's pretty shy so I figured the party would be small, and I forced myself to get over it and go anyway. It was a lot of fun! I drank strawberry daiquiris and managed to get tipsy without feeling sick! We smoked in her bedroom, but I was responsible this time and didn't get too high to function. We spent a lot more time in the bedroom than I wanted. I wanted to go back out into the living room and continue to avoid looking at this cute skinny guy with a shaved head. But he left shortly after we went back out there. Oh well. Did I mention BK showed up? Well, he did. He was planning on going back to Topeka for another party, but he wanted to smoke before he went. So we smoked some more out of Sab's huge bong, and it took too long and he decided that he'd rather just go back to MD and HB's and hang out with us, since his other party was probably almost over. So we all went over to MD and HB's and smoked more, and this time I got really high. HB went to bed after a while, and MD was passed out on the couch, and so it was just me, CG, and BK. CG left after a while, but BK and I stayed and watched TV and talked. I'm glad he started hanging out with us more. He reminds me a lot of JD. He's totally full of himself, but he's not an asshole about it so it's endearing instead of annoying. I can see us becoming pretty good friends. I finally went home at 4:30, and stayed up until 5:00 reading webcomics and eating chips and salsa because I was starving. Today I woke up around noon when Billy was scratching at my door. For no reason, I might add. He had food and water. By that time I'd had seven hours of sleep, but I hadn't had eight... So I went back to bed. And didn't wake up until 5:40. Oops. And then out of nowhere, I heard a knock at the back door. It was TWalk! I hadn't seen her in months. She had her boyfriend with her, and some older guy and his little girl. She had to show them her old apartment like she does with everyone she brings over. She tried to get me to go to the football game with her because she had free tickets, but I told her I'd just woken up and hated sports so I didn't feel like going. It was fun to see her again, though. I am going to take a shower when I'm done writing this, and then I'm going to call AR. Oh yeah, I forgot to write about that, I think. The other day I was out shopping, and I needed to find some yarn that would be appropriate for making dreads. I'm working on a Jack Sparrow doll for KH's birthday that I am definitely not going to finish on time. But I digress. I went to Michaels, and AR still works there. She was so excited to see me that she yelled "IT'S ANS!" and ran up to me and lifted me off the ground when she hugged me. We talked for a while and she gave me her number and we promised to keep in touch. I left the store beaming. It's nice to know that she liked me enough to get that excited when she saw me. She texted me yesterday while i was at work to see what I was doing this weekend. So I'm going to see if she's still free tonight. Which is why I need to get off my ass and take a damn shower now, only I think ES just got in there. Shit. 7:01 p.m. - 2007-09-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reaching out Two entries in one night, within a couple of hours of each other. Because I'm cool like that. I've been wanting to call someone. I keep picking up the phone and just holding it, trying to muster up the courage to make a call to make plans to hang out tonight. I couldn't decide between MD/HB or JBen. Do I play it safe and go to MD and HB's like I always do, or do I call JBen instead? With JBen it's hit or miss. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's awkward and uncomfortable and disappointing. MD and HB are probably busy, because they usually call me if they're not. But I think I've waited too long to call JBen now. It's almost eleven. I really want to talk to someone, and I really need to get this issue with JBen off my chest. I'm going to call him anyway. Fuck, who am I kidding, no I'm not. It's too late and he'll just be irritated that I called. I hate calling people. I feel like I'm bothering them and the only reason they agree to hang out with me is because they feel obligated. Especially JBen, because I know that's how he functions. I've seen him answer a call and make plans with someone, and then hang up and tell me how much he dreads going to whatever he's just agreed to go to. I never know if he actually wants to hang out, or if he's just being polite. I have a really hard time reaching out and admitting that I need someone to be there for me. I feel like they'll tell me I'm overreacting, or they won't understand what I'm upset about because I'm so bad at explaining what's on my mind. As a result I never really talk about anything, except in my diaries. I'm not really close to anyone, but it's my fault for distancing myself. Maybe I will call MD. Or at least text him and see what he and HB are up to tonight. They're probably doing homework, but it's worth a shot. If they're busy, oh well. I can't decide if I'll smoke tonight or just go to bed. On a side note, download "Cracked" by the Jesus and Mary Chain. DO IT. 10:45 p.m. - 2007-09-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think I might be crazy? I think I might talk to myself more often than what's considered normal. Do most people have pretend conversations when they're alone? It's like I'm practicing what I'd say in a completely hypothetical situation that has maybe a 3% chance of actually happening. I guess it's because I have so much stuff on my mind all the time that I have to get it out, even if nobody is around to hear it. I'm bored tonight. Today was a decent day but I feel all hazy and out of it. I tried to take a nap after work but the damn cats kept scratching at my door because I forgot to buy them food, and I had to drive to the grocery store all groggy and pissy. I should really wait until I calm down before I drive or go out in public. Lauren called me last night but my phone was still on silent and I didn't notice that she'd called until late. She didn't leave a message, but I'd seen her comment on HB's facebook that she had an "nice little story" to tell her, so I think something important must have happened? I tried calling her twice this evening, but she didn't answer. I need to remember to call her more often. I'm lonely right now. I've got nothing to do tonight. I don't know if MD and HB are available or not. They're back in school so we've been hanging out less. It's cool, I kind of get tired sometimes so it's nice to have a night to myself once in a while. But tonight I feel cooped up. I kind of want to call JBen but I kind of don't. I don't know what we are now. Are we strictly friends, or are we fuck buddies again? No. We're more than that, even we're both pretending to ignore it. I still need to talk to him about his not believing that I'm bisexual. I'm anxious about it. It just confuses me. He of all people knows how complex sexuality can be, so why does he have this snobby, gayer-than-thou attitude about me? This is unrelated, but I should mention that I have not smoked today at all. And I didn't smoke before I went to bed last night either. Instead of staying up until 2:30 smoking and writing and watching porn like I usually do, I went to bed at 12:45. I think I'm handling sobriety pretty well, except I'm really, really bored. I'm restless lately. I feel really conflicted about a lot of things (as indicated by my stoner rant entry last night). What I was trying to convey in that entry but failed because I was too high to think: I feel terrified but excited for the future. I feel like something big is going to happen soon, like I'm this close to an epiphany or something, and my life is about to change dramatically. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking? 9:19 p.m. - 2007-09-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Contradicting myself. I hate the beauty myth but I want to be pretty. I hate conformity but I don't want to be ostracized. I kind of want to dye my hair even though I honestly can't picture myself with any hair color other than my natural dull, dirty blonde. I want to do something shocking but I don't want to draw attention to myself. I want to fuck that blonde guy at work, and JonC, and the guy with the brown hair who looks like an asshole, and the tiny girl with the black hair, and Dom, and that new girl who dresses like a stupid hipster, but I don't want to gain the reputation of being the office slut and potentially lose my job. I want a relationship, but I don't want to be tied down. I want to stop smoking so much, to stop using weed to ignore my problems, but I still smoke twice daily (once after work, again around 10:30). I know that how I identify myself sexually is not important because the fact of the matter is I am attracted to females even if I haven't acted on it, but now for some reason I find myself feeling like I have to prove myself to JBen, like I have to make him believe that I'm an "authentic" bisexual. I want to wear weird clothes like I used to, but I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard. I don't want to care what people think about me, and I try not to, but I just end up trying to make it look like I don't care what they think. I want to destroy the establishment, I want to do something violent and profound and terrifying that forces people to come to their senses, but I'm too afraid of getting caught and giving up my comfortable lifestyle. I want to stop hiding my skin and just wear a damn tank top, but I don't want everyone to think I'm crazy and disgusting for having such a compulsion. I want to be completely honest about myself to everyone I meet, but at the same time I want to keep everyone at a safe distance and not let anyone in. I don't want to go to college and consider it a huge waste of time, but at the same time I am afraid that I've made a terrible mistake by not going. I want to call my mother and tell her I'm bi and that I smoke pot and how depressed I've been for as long as I can remember, but I don't want her to worry about me. I am mature enough now to realize that my father is human, that he's unhappy and that alcohol abuse is not something that's easy to overcome, but I just can't forgive him for treating my mom like shit and for ignoring and resenting his children. I know it's a horrible idea to go back to fucking around with John, but I really want to be with him. I don't think I believe in romantic love but I really, really wish I could have it. Right now I feel like life has never been so beautiful but it has never been so ugly, and I am afraid that maybe I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. 10:17 p.m. - 2007-09-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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